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Heil to the chief was a bit of a stinker "Krasnov ¹  wants to be one of us. Sad." Is it advancing dementia, tertiary syphilis, the echo chamber of the MAGA cult ¹ or a psychosis formed from daddy Fred's demeaning abuse that has the bloviating, tangerine buffoon wanting to believe he is widely adored? Every interaction is described as a "deal". From Trump branding on the grift du jour to the shakedown of Ukraine for access to rare earths to Melania's limit of one wristy per month. All trappings must be gilded - Trump Sneakers, gold toilets, pimping the Oval Office into the gaudy despot kitsch of his Trump Tower penthouse. Perhaps these are the two defining manifestations of Trump's offal bucket of personality defects. The craving for attention, the tedious braggadocio masking his insecurities, the torching of all proprieties, a puerile vulgarian belittling any transgressors of Trumpism or the critics of his ludicrous twaddle... "...if one cannot have love, one resorts to respect. And when respect is unavailable, one resorts to fear." The 'Shared Psychosis ² of Donald Trump and His Loyalists. Scientific American. An industry has grown up to try to explain the aberration that is the bloated Caligula. That's in parallel to a complicit media that sane washes and normalises him. Now Trump's execrable big birthday bash rudely illustrates how he deceives himself vs how the non-MAGA world sees him. No bearskins and crimson tunics, no sabres drawn, no prancing, jet black stallions, no choreographed routines of massed, compulsory public devotion, no serried ranks of goose-stepping, chisel-jawed Schutzstaffel, banners aloft and torches aflame. Instead, there was Tupperware party numbers shuffling along in combat fatigues looking as though they'd rather be having their nutsacks put through a mangle. Trump's "losers and suckers" are compelled to display fealty to a draft dodging coward while accompanied in part by Creedence Clearwater Revival's Fortunate Son which "speaks to the unfairness of class and the children of the wealthy being able to avoid the draft" . On the reviewing stand a clearly decrepit grandpa Trump came close to nodding off. Chief bender Pete Hegseth wondered if he could sneak a pull from his hip flask of 1792 Full Proof, Marco Rubio yawned and Melania fantasised about the 3rd infantryman from the left standing to attention in her private quarters. The face you make when the last sausage roll has been taken from the servo pie warmer Trump loves ostentation, showy displays of his supposed wealth and power yet the most powerful military ever known had Bonespurs VonDraftdodger's craving for adoration turn it into a laughing stock. ¹ Former KGB officer Alnur Mussayev claimed that Trump was recruited as an asset for Moscow in the 1980s, code name "Krasnov". ² The ‘Shared Psychosis’ of Donald Trump and His Loyalists . Scientific American. " The leader, hungry for adulation to compensate for an inner lack of self-worth, projects grandiose omnipotence—while the followers, rendered needy by societal stress or developmental injury, yearn for a parental figure. "

Everything Trump Touches Dies The scorpion and frog-face Everything Trump Touches Dies is a book by Rick Wilson, long-time Republican strategist, political commentator and never-Trumper, that captures Trump's entire career in its four word title. Elon should've taken note. Their mutual admiration gland-handling had a slightly longer shelf-life than a Liz Truss lettuce and we all knew the end was coming. The entirely transactional relationship between these two narcissistic psychopaths is not the foundation of an enduring, selfless friendship. Neither of these soulless ghouls has any true friends. All they have are sycophants, parasites, credulous simpletons and cultists seeking validation of their own hatreds and bigotry comforted by corporate media's cowed droogs and complicit careerists and the amoral moguls of Murdoch, Bezos, Zuckerberg et al who all bent the knee to Trump's gleichschaltung . The rationalisation for the Trump-Musk public displays of disaffection by the more rabid MAGAfied Musk-a-teers is that this is a clash of two big swinging dicks - the ultimate alpha males seeking dominance as a ritual of nature. The image of two blubbery, pasty lard buckets with the muscle tone of half-deflated innertubes bumping sweaty moobs in a hoppo-bumpo contest for top dog status may satisfy the somewhat homo-erotic delusions and torn loyalties of the nuttier fringes of slack-jawed RWFW effluvia but most will need to pick a side. Despite their prominence both the Dementadon and the delightfully nicknamed Sissy Space-X are needy sooks desperate for approval. That one inhabits the most powerful office on the planet and the other is its richest says something disturbing about the U.S., if not all humanity. Regardless of humankind's achievements, misanthropes can feel vindicated. "...the Fox News viewer really does represent middle America.” Lachie Murdoch, who I suspect is not far off the mark. Trump is forever the aggrieved and vengeful Rumpledthinskin whom Obama ridiculed at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Association dinner setting in train the orange-stuccoed lunatic's quest for pay back. Trump is the Fates' plaything with which to puncture our species' self- regard by favouring an otherwise cartoonish serial failure and career criminal as Citize n #1 whil e, as if to emphasise the irony, also toying with his fragile conceit to incite his pathetic bleatings about his own specialness. In the bizarre space in Trump's head, anyone who says nice things about him is, by definition, an exemplar - an encouragement for lickspittles and trucklers and mass murdering manipulators to flatter the ego of a bloviating moron who brags about being able to identify a camel on a cognitive test. Conversely of course, anyone testing Trump's insecurities by challenging his braggadocio and fantastical achievements is targeted for malicious attacks. Elmo has crossed that Rubicon and the spectacle is hugely entertaining but filled with portent. These are two of the four worst yet most consequential people on earth after all. For his part, the Space Nazi, the richest ever man, tragically seeks validation from "the cool kids" - the tech bros, gamers (FFS!) and the dregs of RW trolls who haunt his Xitter app. Elmo could solve world hunger and still be rich but he chooses not to. Instead his DOGE killed off USAID and Boston University modelling estimated that, at the time, 310,445 people died mostly by starvation as a consequence. “ Nature ran a piece finding that 25 million people could die as a result of ending USAID. This puts Trump and Musk in the category of the most brutal leaders of the 20th century in terms of unnecessary lives lost .” - Don Moynihan, professor of policy at the University of Michigan. Could he and would he break MAGA? " Musk’s money, platform, and own legion of followers can pose a formidable threat to the MAGA movement " claimed one pundit. “Trump has 3.5 years left as president, but I will be around for 40+ years.” Elmo on Xitter No doubt watching on in bemusement will be furniture fornicator JD Vance with the biggest boner he's had since he took the drawers from that cute oak veneer nightstand. Everything Trump Touches Dies. Rick Wilson "... the blazing, white-hot embrace of actual, honest-to-God stupidity has been as contagious as smallpox and as fatal as Ebola. "

This post includes references to dicks. And potatoes. Anthony Albanese has stabilised his lead as preferred prime minister over Dutton, leading 48 per cent to 38 per cent. You may recall that at the time of the shivving of Malcolm Turnbull PM one P.Spuddy had summoned Mrs Spud and a junior Spud to Canberra in anticipation of a celebration of his ascent to the throne. It's history now that he was outsmarted by the vacuous fabulist and shameless poseur Scooter Morrison. The Tuber was considered the worse option by the Tories. He was a premature self-congratulator. It's time for history to repeat itself. Spuddy had leaned so far into MAGA world I was half expecting calls for the annexation of New Zealand, an RFK Jnr-style promotion of the recreational possibilities of roadkill and for Brigit McKenzie.xls to emulate her GOP analogue Sporky Taylor Green's stalking of Hunter Biden by whipping out poster-sized prints of Albo's son's huge schlong*. But it all turned to custard - Spuddy is now the deer in the headlights, causing a schadenfreude overflow at Chez Geezer. * Calls to Albo's office to verify dimensions have not been returned "An Ipsos poll commissioned for Daily Mail Australia on Wednesday revealed Dutton’s personal approval ratings had fallen to the lowest level of any opposition leader for 20 years." The New Daily, 16.4.25 It breaks my brain that Spuddy was ever in contention. Sure, he got coddled as Opposition leader by corporate media - a scritch behind the ear here, a tummy rub there, but he cultivated his reputation as hardman, an alpha male and head kicker which went over like a wet turd in a ball pit with all but evolution's dead-enders, incels, conspiracists and neo-Nazis. The nasty shone through. His gift for the grift, his monumental incompetence and his racism all wrapped in the personality of phlegm was so egregious it could not be ignored. The hypocrisy and projection was laid on with a trowel, but it was the Trumpy cruelty and grievance-mongering, denigration of institutions, demonisation of scapegoats of convenience, the anti-"woke" glibness, the autocratic over-reach that he must have considered a winning formula that has brought him undone. He has the sagacity of cabbage and the substance of one of those pneumatic Mar-a-Lago rent-a-slags. The orange shtick was not limited to the potato persona alone. “If you look at the standard of candidates we have selected across the board, I think we have selected some amazing people...” Spuddy, 10 April 2025 Exhibit A. Jacinta Price , Tory DEI hire and MAGA franchisee: Chutzpah - " We can bring Australia back to its former glory. " This, after nine years of Tory graft and incompetence and Robodebt. Hyperbolic twaddle - “ We hate the fact that Anthony Albanese has effectively destroyed Australia. ” The Lib preselection of cookers and crooks has delivered candidates who would sit comfortably in the ginger minger's One Notion or Clive Palmer's collection of creeps and weirdos. It should not need stating that this too mimics the orange Dementadon by recruiting window lickers. Benjamin Britton, dumped candidate for Whitlam opposed “beautiful” women serving in combat roles in the Defence force and he had some uncomfortable interests in antisemitic and extremist conspiracy chat groups. His replacement, Nathaniel Smith, inhabits the far-right end of the LNP looney bell curve. In FNQ's seat of Leichhardt candidate Jeremy Neal railed against Covid restrictions and blamed “feminists” for Donald Trump’s election los s. He volunteered his own electorate, home to the Daintree Rainforest, Cape York and the Torres Strait, as a nuclear waste dump. Colourful electoral identity Scott Yung, the party's candidate for Bennelong handed out Easter treats to young students in front of the Lane Cove public school. In a non-nonce way of course. Wizz kid Jeffrey Kidney 😁*, Liberal candidate for Wills in inner-Melbourne, pleaded guilty in March 2024 to obtaining financial advantage by deception. I believe this behavior is treated as a credential not a crime by the Libs. Regardless, he was ordered to pay $10,640 in compensation. * He's middle-aged. I just couldn't resist. Amelia Hamer, Liberal Party blue blood and great hope to wrest the blue-ribbon seat of Kooyong back from the teals pitched herself as a renter and someone who empathises with tenants’ struggles by hiding her landlord status - owning apartments in London and Canberra. And BTW she's a beneficiary of a $20M trust. Fellow struggler and Reid candidate Grange Chung is best known for owning a luxury apartment in the Japanese ski resort of Nozawa Onsen and being named after a hugely expensive shiraz - both sufficient proof he prioritises the well-being of the unfortunate over self-interest. These are some of the newbies. Let us be mindful of the leftovers still haunting the Opposition benches. Their front bench in particular is a reminder of the wretched state of the political right and the recent history of their best of the best - the creme-de-la-crim. The 3 stooges - Surly, Hairy and ScoMo. "Remember the drowning Pacific countries? Ha ha - good times." ALP 53% to Coalition 47% in latest YouGov poll, the Coalition at an historic low and the Prime Minister is ahead 49% to 40% among male voters, while 47% of women back Albanese compared to 35% for the Opposition Leader. YouGov . That squeaking noise is Sussan Lley pondering her (lack of) future or the wheels coming off the clown car. Or perhaps it's the puckering of Spuddy's sphincter. "...here were murmurs about Angus Taylor positioning for a post-election challenge to Dutton’s leadership. By Sunday night, angry Liberals reported “the knives are out”. Niki Savva, SMH, 16.4.25 UComms poll for the seat of Dickson showed ALP's Ali France ahead of Mr Dutton 52-48 on a two-party preferred basis. I dearly want to see him humiliated by being voted out ala Ol' Camphor Balls Howard. But if Squizzy Taylor wants to shank the prick then I'm cool with that too. Karma. RFK Jr. admits to dumping a dead bear in Central Park . NPR.org “So I pulled over and I picked up the bear and put him in the back of my van, because I was gonna skin the bear,” he explains matter-of-factly. “It was in very good condition and I was gonna put the meat in my refrigerator.” Marjorie Taylor Greene sparks outrage by showing explicit photos of Hunter Biden at congressional hearing . The Independent.21.07.2023. “Marjorie Taylor Greene is literally showing dick pics at our Oversight Hearing,” Frantic calls, party concern as Lib candidate under spotlight. SMH, 15.04.2025. "Contesting the most marginal seat in Australia...the fear there was something more waiting in the shadows that could potentially derail the Liberal campaign."

"A morality play of a young boy's coming of age; and his sudden and unexpected rise from the lower to that of the leisure class." Gifting government to the grifters? Kevin Rudd was a prissy little prick. Probably still is. Those pursed lips of his as he gave the rest of us the benefit of hearing from the smartest bloke in the room showed what a sanctimonious prat he could be. But the micro-managing egomaniac did do the country a huge service by ridding us of John Howard's grim regime, though plainly the feral-browed Igor Mortis was well past his use by date, so it wasn't such a hard sell. Similarly, not being Scott Morrison was Albo's big advantage in the 2022 election. It was the Drover's Dog scenario. After a near decade of Tory theft and thuggery, when your opponent is a malignant tuber who sleeps with a Joh Bjelke-Petersen inflatable doll and tumesces at Trump's normalisation of nasty there really is no reason to just steam clean the curtains and vacuum the carpet. You have significant political capital to expend and every reason to do so. Competent BAU managerialism from federal Labor governments should (but won't) bury the tired Tory shibboleth of better economic management: 👉 Two sequential surplus budgets after nine LNP deficit budgets and record $trillion+ of debt. 👉 Unemployment 4.0% - the lowest average unemployment in 50 years. 👉 Inflation 2.3% which has eased from 7.8% in December 2022. 👉 The IMF ranked Australia’s as the third-strongest budget in the G20 in 2024. 👉 Wages 3.5%. 👉 ASX - record high household wealth. 👉 Record high $4 trillion in superannuation. 👉 One of the highest per capita GDP countries in the world. But where's Albo's grand vision, the bold moves, the sweeping reforms? "Dutton leads a pack of duds, his policies an embarrassing confection of innumeracy and MAGA Down Under cut-and-pastes. Labor should be setting itself up for an extended period in government. Instead, Albanese is quietly leading it to defeat." Bernard Keane, Crikey. How is it that der Gruppenfritter  is closing the gap in the preferred PM poll, which stands at 44:41? How can Albo get outplayed by an aggro thug of bovine intellect who oozes bad juju from every pore on his shiny, bald bonce, who is as appealing as a sleep-over at Lizzie Borden's house, who was outsmarted by that absurd fabulist FauxMo at the overthrow of Malcolm Turnbull? Naive, timid, risk averse? Albo went “small target” in ways that avoided the Potato's wedges (🙄) but alienated progressive supporters. Defaulting to Tory Lite (" we're less shit than them ") is not the most inspirational of rallying cries to redress the LNP mess nor is it an incentive to achieve great things. Rebalancing the economy toward the interests of workers and consumers and away from big business, committing to directly and aggressively protecting voter interests in an economy controlled by large corporations and uncompetitive markets ¹ seems like nature's way for a Labor government. Yet redistributive measures - restricting negative gearing deductions and implementing capital gains reforms taken to the 2019 election were discarded through fear of more of the blowback from those who never vote Labor anyway. But imagine where we'd be, after years of kakistocracy, if we hadn't voted out the Tory cabal. Ongoing secrecy, persecution of whistleblowers, climate vandalism, ceding our sovereignty under AUKUS, looking the other way on the Gaza genocide, Murdoch's fabricators running rampant, Robodebt and Paladin swept under the carpet. Wait! What? A toothless NACC, gargling Lachlan Murdoch's balls, yet more new gas and coal, scuttling a proposed federal environment protection agency, tut-tutting mass murder by the Zionist's death squads aka the IDF, the squibbing on gambling advertising and electoral funding... hardly the stuff of a comprehensive reform agenda from a vigorous and virtuous transformative government. An indolent Coalition left a backlog of easy-fixless problems yet some worthy goals were scored. The government steered through a substantial lift in the minimum wage, increased the childcare subsidy for low-income earners, enabled trade unions to negotiate multi-employer pay deals, and implemented some of the recommendations of the aged care royal commission ². There has been some boldness. A 2030 carbon emissions reduction target of 43 per cent is a start on the road to net zero. The ambition to establish Oz as a renewable energy superpower is visionary, but a constitutionally enshrined Voice to Parliament, truth-telling and treaty assumed a general magnanimity we obviously do not possess. A council-housed, only child of a single, pensioner mother, the lefty, Tory-fighting DJ Albo may have lost some street cred by chumming up with the odious Allen Joyce, bending the knee to Lachy Murdoch and rubbing shoulders with the celebrities and self-regarding captains of industry in the Qantas Chairman's Lounge but it was the Voice that was the tipping point for Albo's fortunes. "I like fighting Tories. It's what I do." Albo's handling of the Voice as his signature ambition showed a naivety on his part that belies the savvy of a political careerist who rose as a lefty to become PM (Albanese is one of only two Labor leaders since 1967 to have come from the Left faction). Referendums need bi-partisanship to succeed. Spud never had any intention other than to oppose this one. He's a head-kicker, a divider and a racist. He picks fights as a habit, he sows dissent and hate and fear. None of this is a secret yet Albo somehow believed Spud could be brought to support an altruistic, unifying gesture that goes against every hateful, cynical, exploitative reflex that is burned into his blackened soul. He inflamed emotion and prejudice - lies and invention being no hindrance. He accused Albo of being distracted by "the woke", and used the failure of the referendum to brand Albo as weak. FFS Albo - you did not see this coming? I had no great expectations of Kevin Rudd. When his mendacious revenge on Julia Gillard handed the PMship to the ludicrous Tony Strop Abbott it just confirmed that he was the disappointment that he was always going to be. Here's hoping Albo recovers his mojo. The thought of The Thug as default PM causes my bowels to loosen. ¹ Some paraphrasing of Crikey's Bernard Keane happened here ² Jenny Hocking. Pearls & Irritations

Weird, creepy or just plain nasty? What I find truly weird is that when Kamala Harris's campaign labelled bleach boy Donny T and his douche coupers as weird it cut through, yet insurrection, treason, rape, 39 proven felonies, a history of criminality, blatant grifting, daughter fondling, despot fawning and gibbering idiocies did not. Trump is a spittoon for the overflow of every human personality defect housed within an orange-stuccoed pumpkin head topped by a bleached, road kill comb-over so by definition he's also a weirdo but in his case weirdness is a comparative virtue. Anyway, his millions of thralls and cultists are anonymous, massed useful idiots but are far too numerous to qualify as freaks and exceptions but does quantity disqualify them as weirdos rather than somewhat offbeat normies? You decide. Who are the notable weirdos in Trump world with whom we can compare our own? Discount the grifters and sycophants. They may be egregious arseholes but their motivation is clearer than their weirdness - self-interest: Rafael Edward (Ted) Cruz. Ol' Jellyback who kissed Trump's ring after Trump publicly called his wife ugly. Rudolph William Louis (Rudy) Giuliani. Hair dye leaking, public sphincter loosening, nudger exposing Trump lawyer and victim of "everything Trump touches dies" (ETTD) syndrome. Too bad so sad, Rudy. Alex Jones - conspiracy theory and Infowars fake news website creator is scum who exploits outrage for clicks. Karma kicked Jones in the plums when juries in Connecticut and Texas awarded a total of $1.487 billion in damages to a Sandy Hook shooting first responder and families of victims. Jones is worse than weird - he's evil. Ignore the dumb as a box of hair, noxious effluvia who are more accurately described as deeply, deeply and irredeemably stupid. And nasty: She's so far right she's come full circle and disappeared up her own secessionist arsehole. She's sporky minger Marjorie Taylor-Green of peach tree dish, Gazpacho police and Jewish space laser fame, and 37 year old grandmother, Skanks- R -Us franchisee and public hand-job afficianado Lauren Bobert whose hubby was want to flash his frightener in bowling alleys. Leading the way for the prominent and most committed of freaks is Elon Musk - Twitter troll and Howard Hughes-level, super rich weirdo. " In 2018 Musk’s tweets were become (sic) so erratic and bizarre that Tesla investors had to tell him to basically ‘shut up’ as he was costing them money ." On Musk and his sale of Tesla shares. He paid $44B to single-handedly destroy the value of the Twitter brand. Musk’s son is called X Æ A-XII, his second child Exa Dark Sideræl. T hree cars in the Tesla Model 3 series were going to be called Model S, Model E and Model X. He “likes to live-tweet his poops”. He accused one of the divers who rescued the Thai football team marooned in a cave in Thailand of being a paedophile. He's insecure; desperate for approval from the tech bros, the RWNJ Twitterati, the Heritage Foundation nutters and establishment media tycoons. He's a conspiracy spreading tinfoil hatter - tweeting that illegal immigrants are being shipped into the US so that they can vote Democrat. He's an extremist existential threat to democracy JDVance, the opportunistic, wannabe Trump Veep has been unfairly but believably accused of fornicating with furniture, becoming a viral meme and a drag on the Republican campaign as a result. That and his Handmaid's Tale breeder weirdness. Vance's boosting from the junior Trumps, Uday and Qusay, should've been warning enough for Donny Snr. Steve Bannon, "The Leni Riefenstahl of the Tea Party movement" ¹, populism's grand strategist whose wardrobe was rescued from a trailer park dumpster. Virulently anti-establishment, impulsive and attention-seeking Bannon is an anarchist, a weirdo and a weirdo whisperer. ¹ Andrew Breitbart, founder of Breitbart News Roger Stone, My Pillow guy Mike Lindell, Trump lawyer and co-conspirator Sidney Powell, failed GOP presidential hopeful Pudding Fingers Ron DeSantis of the creepy forced smiles and arch-villain Stephen Miller are all prominent weirdos. House Speaker and hence 3rd in line for the Presidency, Mike Johnson, (tautology alert) a self-righteous christo-fascist shares a porn-monitor phone app with his son. Interrupting each other's solo displays of affection? Weird. * * * * * How do our own RWNJs stand up to the competition posed by these American weirdos? They're nasty and they're hateful. They are mendacious, grubby, bullying and incompetent and they're world-leading hypocrites and pecksniffs but are they weird and are they creepy? Can they match the grotesqueries who populate Trumpistan? Who are they? Barmy Joyce, the Englebert Humpastaffer and menace to sobriety from New England, emerges frequently from a wobbley-booted haze of hairy dogs and pink elephants to gormlessly opine on any and all matters, ranging from the effect of gay marriage on the beef trade to the coronavirus being less threatening than snakes (please know ® that there have been 9 deaths attributed to snake bites in Australia in the 2020s so far and 9,859 deaths due to COVID-19 registered in 2022). Barmy is not weird, he's just a fucking idiot. ® Gladdy Two-shoes Berejiklian Clive Palmer's $100M senator and libido-suppressant Ralphie Babet, when not badgering the witness or answering to criminal damage and unlawful assault charges is desperately trying to raise his social media profile in the niche cooker market and to get noticed by the heavies within the MAGAe cult. Ralphie's a bit of a tragic, look-at-me kinda non-achiever who fanboys Andrew Tate . Pathetic, creepy and yes, a fully fledged weirdo. But easily ignored. A “ most powerful, divisive, and yet indestructible bureaucrat ² ” Mike Pezzullo the now sacked swarthy bard wrote in his 2021 Anzac Day speech “ In a world of perpetual tension and dread, the drums of war beat – sometimes faintly and distantly, and at other times more loudly and ever closer ”. An anti-China hawke, a practitioner of dark political arts and a fan of black-uniformed, armed goon squads Pezzullo is one weird dude. Rasputin or Machiavelli? Doesn't matter anymore. ² A seasoned observer of Federal politics. Michael West Media Brother Stuie Robert. Less appealing than guiding Alan Jones into a glory hole this Nosferatu replicant is your run-of-the-mill happy clapping hypocrite. No weirder than venal, evangelizing prosperity gospellers everywhere. His inability to form an image in a mirror perhaps explains his lack of self-awareness. Cray Cray Kelly - persona au gratin. When Clive Palmer was looking for potential UAP candidates he despatched a flunkey for a fact hunt. He returned with a picture of Craig Kelly. And so the whole "Our Next Prime Minister" weird farce was born. Screwloose Lautrec, the homunculus Malcolm Roberts of One Notion made the short list 😎 . He's a weirdo's weirdo, a RWNJ's FRWNJ. He would've better served the country as sandwich spread for noted person of girth Gorgeous George Christensen but that shit has sailed. Roberts has identified himself as " Malcolm-Ieuan: Roberts., the living soul ". A sovereign citizen yet somehow at the same time a Federal senator. Interesting mental gymnastics in that. Anti-vaxxer, climate denier, UN conspiracy believer and fervent weirdo, Malcolm's the diminutive yet real deal. Eric Abetz. He's baaack...he didn't die in a Berlin bunker. He's been re-elected, this time to the Tasmanian House of Assembly, possibly due to Tassie's weird Hare-Clark multi-member system. Eric is a relic, a coprolytic throw-back to the good old days of Anschluss and Liebenstraum. Royalist Abetz wants to keep the Windsors - he likes to think that's one way the Germans will still be in charge. Is he weird? Who cares - he's irrelevant. His Hitler Youth rosette-bedecked mini-me James Paterson is a bigger worry. Within the Tory pantheon of wombat-headed, trainer-wheeled, bottom-feeding, mono-browed, hairy-palmed, goose-stepping, bobble-headed, undie-sniffing, pecker-headed, bottle shouldered detritus the three most consequential weirdos were each chosen to represent the clunge collective's values to the voting public as worthy of national stewardship: Captain Catholic the mad Abbott, a blatant, unapologetic sexist who appointed himself Minister For Women, was weirdly submissive to Mistress Cruella his dominatrix chief of staff, yet he affected a persona of sluggo-wearing machismo and a bow-legged amble that suggested his nutsack was badly prickled by nettles. Tones applied his LOTO style to the PMship and wondered why constant, carping negativity didn't work when he was the government. Easily out-weirding The Monk is of course Skiddy Morrison - self-described as God's appointed representative. As the country and the world moved on around him The Great Schmo flattered himself with the title of 'leader'. In his mind possibly The Great Leader or The Dear Leader; mistaking control freakery as leadership. Cast your mind back to the images of Skiddy adoringly licking Trump's earlobe, of his furtive fondling of strangers as some sort of creepy, evangelical conversion therapy. Recall his undergoing of Covid isolation with just his personal photographer, his hair washing as photo op, his "Great South Land of The Holy Spirit" dominionism, his self-congratulations at not having women protesters shot and his robust self-regard that withstood copious evidence that he was incompetent and scandal riddled and weird. "Morrison was only the harbinger of a worse politics to come." Bernard Keane, Crikey Spud Dutton, El Chippo, Herr Shickltuber, Adolph Kipfler, Gruppenfritter, Dick Tater...the potato-themed epithets are endless. A misanthrope's dream - the man has the personality of a tuber and the warmth of a cold cup of sick. That he's nasty is indisputable - an autocratic self-styled strong man who, Morrison-like, disappears when Tory-centred controversy arises, a truncheon-headed tough guy with a thin skin, a tormentor of the powerless and the dusky toned, a Bjelke-Peterson acolyte, a Gina Rinehart gofer. His monotone drone, a blowie slowy circling the lounge room, reminds us he heads an ideas free zone, an Opposition defined by what it's against. A thought bubble got out of hand and so he hoped that he could then use nuclear energy as a wedge on Labor's energy policy. He has no intention of ever implementing such an unworkable boondoggle of course but it's cheap politics over the national interest every time. Spud as PM is like leaving the cat to guard your sashimi. A return to the Tories will reanimate their manifesto of blatant graft and favouritism that would give pause to Saudi royalty while the traditional Tory practices of incompetence and bastardry continue in the background. OK, that's all nasty and creepy but it's standard Tory practice. Where's the weird? I get a real sense that this bloke would get a kick from pulling the wings off butterflies. Let us hope that he doesn't last long enough for us to find out.    * * * * *   Click the Like, post a comment, share the post. Encourage me to keep this shit going. UAP Senator Ralph Babet was always quite weird. But lately he seems to be heading further down the MAGA-hole . Rachel Withers, Crikey. ($) Mike Pezzullo. The demise of a Canberra’s “most powerful, divisive, and yet indestructible bureaucrat” . Michael West Media. Mr Roberts has also written numerous reports claiming climate change is an international conspiracy fostered by the United Nations and international banks to impose a socialist world order. At least one report cites several anti-Semitic conspiracy theorists, including notorious Holocaust denier Eustace Mullins among its "primary references" One Nation senator Malcolm Roberts wrote bizarre 'sovereign citizen' letter to Julia Gillard. Michael Koziol. SMH 6/8/16. ($) Mike Johnson Admits He and His Son Monitor Each Other’s Porn Intake . Rolling Stone.

Photos, notes & anecdotes from the travels of a small, weathered group of boomers. In memory of our great friend and travel buddy Bruce - the inspiration for Barry Turner, head of logistics and good-natured butt of our jibes who took his last big journey in 2016.

High farce in the 'No' campaign A waft of V05 and humbug hung in the air when the tinnitus in a trouser suit that is Michaelia Cash was handed the drivel shtick for the Tories' latest FUD campaign - their vilification du jour being the indigenous Voice to parliament. "Thoil innerfear with our summaroines 'n' parggin' tiggeds, moite. Anythink they doan loike thoil toike to the hoi cawt. Air cunnry will go to the dorgs" intoned Blah Stupenda in a strident tirade of sanctimonious cant and poorly disguised bigotry (I may have paraphrased a tad given the semi-intelligible, high velocity boganese of ol' Helmet Hair but the tone is authentic). In the absence of ideas, vision, empathy or morals it was a given that Schrödinger's Opposition, in desperate attempts at relevance, would oppose all government initiatives - but the Voice was a gimme for their 'open tongs in the kitchen drawer' attitude to fairness and decency. The profusion of flight risks that is their party room has awoken to the notion that their repertoire of punching down, dog-whistling to racists, provoking culture wars, terrifying the tremulous, deceiving the ignorant and cultivating the stupid could all be weaponised for the one issue they'll take to the Führer bunker. In the midst of the Coalition's existential crisis, keeping the Blackfellas in their place is THE issue the Libs are prepared to fight for survival on. And no 'No' campaign would be complete without the presence of Captain No himself - Tony "Strop" Abbott, flicking his tongue and licking his eyeballs and giving creedence to the notion that lizard people do walk amongst us. Crusader Rabid has joined the fray to deploy the same level of watery stools that passed for policy in the Credlin-Abbott "government" (sic) - destroying the nation-building NBN and carbon neutrality, and the cringe-de-la-cringe, his knighting of a foreign monarch's consort. The most laughable aspect of Tone's argument, and that's quite the challenge, is that this forelock tugging, knee-bending arch-monarchist thinks that hearing disenfranchised Indigenous citizens' opinions is akin to annointing them with House of Lords status. This is fish looking for a barrel stuff. They'll bow and scrape to the monarch of a foreign land , they'll profess “humble affection” and “obedience” to the head of England's special breeding program for hooray-Henries, chinless wonders, lords and nobles, they will prostrate themselves before inherited privilege who "cannot be other than a member of the Anglican Church, can never be other than British and can never be an Indigenous person". They'll listen to lobbyists, they'll hear the rent seekers, they'll take note of the carpet baggers and grifters but they'll continue to ignore those most deserving of a sympathetic hearing. They don't belong in Opposition. They belong in the discards pile of too-offensive pub trivia questions. Vote "Yes". Michaelia Cash: Why Liberals won’t support Indigenous Voice to Parliament. The West Australian. Shovel this bullshit on your roses. Supporting a YES vote. University of Melbourne.

Beyond incompetence and corruption Image: @AdamBandt Untroubled by the burdens of either wit or intellect the embaldened tubermensch who, for now, leads the meritocracy trading as the Liberal Party seems to be struggling with his personal brand, as is manifest in his Howardesque, too tricky by half cavilling over the Voice to Parliament. A vuvuzela in a chamber orchestra hoping no-one notices the discordance. Not being Scott Morrison is a prudent image; albeit one that was obligatory given the level of loathing due that perfidious galoot. Yet Spud Dutton's headkicking, homophobic, warmongering, race-baiting reputation is hardly a winning alternative, particularly when such a persona is widely seen as authentic, ironically unlike FauxMo's shamelessly contrived, yet G-rated daggy dad flimflam which in no small way helped to bring the shyster undone. "Cuddly Pete" had only a brief run - the Murdoch manure machinery's efforts to sustain such an obvious deceit being counter-productive given their rustadon audience of rightwing nutters celebrates bastardry, culture war attacks on the "wokes" and persecution of the others*. *As of publication the "others" is the trans youth but subject to change without notice and as may be determined by the political advantage to be gained from tormenting the victims du jour ala Robodebt. Tory noir is a smoking ruin of creeping nastiness, sleaze and graft yet there is no contrition, there's hubris but no humility and there's shameless hypocrisy to camouflage their embarrassment and their terror at the prospect of the national integrity commission. Over nearly a decade they shat in our collective handbag yet now rely on a humourless automaton pulling the wings off butterflies ("they love me, they love me not") to recoup some credibility. Spud will never trump Smirko as our worst ever Prime Minister because he will never be PM, but for now, as tuber supreme in the L/NP vegie patch this visionless, reactionary hack is the representation of who they really are. Lined up behind the tinpotato is his idiot sidekick, the gormless Sussan Ley. Suss got the deputy dork role to help offset the Tory's infamous fella ratio - the swollen but karmically shrinking ranks of sex pests and big, swinging dicks. (Author's note: Dutton and Morrison are two of the remaining BSDs). Desperately shrieking Sussan's shtick, apart from consonant abuse, is her feigned outrage and droning whine topping the sour expression of someone who pickles her own vag. Dutts & Suss/Bubba & Squeak - the A Team from the et al shonks, God shoppers, spongers and dullards who'd spent their years grifting like no-one was watching; who took the game of mates to a level that would shame a Saudi royal. He's still there isn't he? That plastic garbage bag of grass clippings; the beer view mirrors, the claret-complexioned coagulation of cirrhosis and stupidity, that menace to sobriety known as Barking Barmy Joyce. Barmy's role is to champion the monetisation of planetary destruction on behalf of his miners & frackers constituency. And therein lies the evil at the core of the Coalition - the purposeful destruction of ecosystems to feed the insatiable greed of the filthy rich who have convinced themselves that with their wealth they can isolate from the consequences of environmental collapse. Barmy has an excuse. He's a moron. What excuses do the climate science denying cookers such as Matt King Coal Canavan, Alex Antic and Gerard Rennick have? Corruption and incompetence are bugs in politics. Morrison made them a feature of his nudge, nudge, wink, wink sleaze fest. What they have now demonstrated is their appetitie for evil. Evil is a standard now embraced by the Tory ecosystem. Evil is the illegal pursuit and willful persecution of powerless Robodebt victims for non-existent debts. Evil is abusing people's lives and wellbeing to score political points. Evil is directing disaster support funds away from Labor-voting electorates. Evil is the fossil fuel mates who know the truth yet persist with planetary destruction. Pure evil is that Tory accomplice, the scrotum-headed media magnate and his willing flunkies who not only know the truth but promote the lies regardless. There is no hell hot enough for Rupert Murdoch and his flying monkeys. There is no stretch in chokey long enough for the Morrisons, Tudges, Porters and Roberts of the Lying Nasty Party. Hellbound. Image: Vanity Fair

A man's not a camel. I was as dry as a nun's nasty so I dingled a cobber on the blower to tee up a few coldies and a dog's eye at the rubbity. "No wukkers" says Bluey "I'm a bit crook but t'morrer's poets day so i don't need to get up at sparrers. I'll just duck in and bung on fresh grundies and some tidier strides and I'll c'ya in a mo'." Blow me down if Bluey doesn't show up turned out like a pox doctor's clerk. "Bugger me Bluey" says Bazza the barman "what's a rooster like you up to?" "Fancy me chances." says Bluey, who's a bit of a flash harry. "Any sorts about?" "Nah...there's only a coupla old chooks out by the pokies. Flubbeters galore and heads like robber's dogs." That had Bluey buggered so we settled in for a yarn and got to whinging about the state of our Aussie vernacular. The sentiment in that fictional lead-in may be past its use-by date in these hyper-sensitive days of easy offence but its component vernacular is worth preserving. Is Aussie English dying out? Is a dimension to our national character endangered? Invasive Americanisms (ass, cell phone, diaper, trash, zee) are spread like noxious weeds by social media; 140 character tweets constrain colourful phrasing; emojis displace actual words altogether and geekspeak and the horrors of corporatese are spreading like lexical lantana but are they killing our unique colloquialisms and the way we use them? The good news is, not entirely. Aussie English is evolving but it's not in danger of extinction. A group of geezer colleagues of mine gather on a semi-regular basis to grump and argue and tie on the wobbly boot. Four are Jimmy Grants - 3 Poms and 1 Belgian. Yet none would have much trouble understanding that little introductory anecdote. Australianisms have even spread beyond our borders - the ubiquitous 'selfie' for example is of Aussie origin and was the Oxford Dictionary's “Word of the Year” for 2013. Strine The term 'Strine' is an invention of the late Scotsman Afferbeck Lauder (Alistair Morrison) for his wonderful Let Stalk Strine written in 1965. Let Stalk Strine was more a phrasebook than a collection of Australian slang and colloquialisms. It set out, often hilariously, how broad Australian was spoken. I have quoted some of the best examples and provided a link at the bottom of this post as an homage to his humour. Strine is Australian as it was spoken. Afferback Lauder ('Alphabetical Order' should you not have an ear for the dialect) did not write a glossary - he wrote a guide to appreciating the broad Aussie accent. From Strine to Strain The accent has changed since 1965. No longer Strines, we are now Strayans from Straya speaking Strain. Strain is both a broad accent and a dialect. Strain is unaffected English as is commonly spoken by bogans (once known as ockers); the uncultured, flannied mullet-heads who typically, but not exclusively, inhabit Straya's less sophisticated fringes. But, not always. Any loud, big-noting, piss-head shiny bum from Mosman pulling big bikkies in the money markets is a cashed-up bogan - an Aussie take on the English Hoorah Henry. A conversation in Strain between hard nut bogans will sound as if the speakers are suffering a severe case of Tourettes ("Fuck! The fuckin' fucker's fucked!") with expletives dominating the discussion, referencing the doubtful marital status of each participant's parents and with various alternative terms for genitalia and copulation in adjectival, noun and verb forms. This should not be mistaken for aggression, it can often be quite convivial. Like its Strine predecessor, Strain can be celebrated but the accent can be like fingernails down a chalkboard when it migrates beyond its natural users. When professional speakers start saying "toime (time), moine (mine), loin (line) , liddle (little), Iddaly (a country on the Mediterranean) then it's not groit moit - it's time to protest in the strongest language possible - stoppid ya farn khans! Oi! We’re not lazy yarners, so let’s kill the cringe and love our Aussie accent(s). The Conversation. The Strain patois is more extensive, inventive and nuanced than just an accent and our addiction to abbreviations - arvo, servo, uey, uni etc. Shortening of words is habitual and ingrained in native speakers since Kindy. It can go too far though: "The D's are playing the 'Pies at the G": the Demons (Melbourne Football Club) are playing the Magpies (Collingwood) at the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground). FFS! When 'MCG' is abbreviated to 'the G' then we have gone too fuckin' far mate! The vernacular of Strain extends beyond the broad-accented bogan hordes. It is egalitarian, used, or at least understood in everyday conversations across all demographics. It contains terms that are old and new. 'Ridgididge' is traditional, 'flubbeders' a recent invention. Strain has kept its inventiveness and colour but I do mourn the passing of much of the old-school terminology such as 'bushman's breakfast'. As a reference, and for anyone needing assistance, a glossary follows. A few of these may be borrowed (e.g. dog & bone) but we've embraced them as our owm. Glossary A bit more choke and you would have started: A response to someone's loud, vibrato opening of their lunch box. A few: Several. Acker Dacker: That timeless band of Aussie origin AC/DC. Anchors: Brakes. Grab the anchors: Brake hard. And no error: Added to the end of a sentence to emphasise its validity - "You're a real sport and no error". Ankles: Throw-away nickname for someone who's lower than a c*nt. Are you right? "Welcome to my emporium, may i be of assistance?" Arse about: Back to front. As flash as a rat with a gold tooth: A bit too flash, lairy. Avago: Have a go, give it a burl. B&S ball: Bachelors and spinsters in rural Australia gather together in country halls to tie on the wobbly boot and hope to pull a root. Babyccino: Caffeine-free means of introducing billy lids to cafe culture. Mugaccino: over-enthusiastic embrace of the cafe culture. Backblocks: Not quite as far as Woop Woop wherein lies the mythical township of Kickatinalong (sister city to NZ's Waikikamookau) . Also: Back-O-Bouke, beyond the black stump, off the beaten track, the never-never, back of beyond. Back hander: A bribe. Also a smack across the dial, similar to a clip on the ear as delivered by one's mother for minor transgressions in the days before the exercise of such parental authority was criminalised. Bag o' fruit: Suit (likely of Pommie origin). Bail: Depart, up stumps. Banky: (pejorative) Bankstowner, a westie (i.e. a non-local from land-locked suburbia) intruding on the territory of local surfies, aka a tourist. Barker's nest: A dog turd. Not commonly seen anymore since a canine's human gofer now fulfills the role of a mandatory tag-along groom of the stool. Barrack: Encourage, support Barry Crocker: Shocker. "Wazza had a barry crocker - caught first ball." Basket weaver (derogatory): Advocate of the simple life free from the rat race. Often "Balmain basket weaver" - inner-suburban trendy. A slur aimed by the conservative minded at latte sippers and chardonnay socialists. Bastard: A good bloke. Mongrel bastard: Not a good bloke. Right bastard: Good or bad depending on context. Battler: Someone struggling to make ends meet, residing on Struggle Street. Bazza: Barry. Wazza: Warren. Chezza: Cheryl. Gazza: Gary etc. Beer money: The discretionary spend allocated to the man of the house. Bewdy: You (little) bewdy - you beauty. The postitive reinforcement of a desirable circumstance - "You bewdy, I just scored the meat tray at the rubbity raffle." Big noter: Braggart, someone who's their own biggest fan; who's up themself. Big unit: A gentleman of large dimensions. Billy lid: Kid. A child. Bin Chicken: Threskiornis moluccus, the Australian white ibis that has embraced city living. Strutting about, afraid of no-one. No overflowing litter bin or dumpster is safe from these marauding stand-over merchants. Bindi-ballet: Bare foot tip-toe across a bindiied lawn. Bindii being a nefarious feral weed infesting many a suburban lawn with small but needle-sharp seeds. Bit of shoosh: "Can we have a bit of shoosh?" - quieten down. Bite the crotch off a low flying duck (I could): Ravenously hungry. Bitzer: A dog of uncertain ancestry. Blind Freddy: A figurative unperceptive person. Typically deployed in the phrase "even Blind Freddy could see that." Blind mullet: Bondi cigar, a loaf. A number two. Blow in: Non-native. Blowie: Blow-fly (dunny budgie), the first sign of spring. "There's a big blowie circling the lounge room - get the Mortein wouldya." Blower: Dog - dog and bone, telephone. Bludger: A work-shy individual, an idler - from an earlier meaning of someone who lived off the earnings of a prostitute. Alternatively someone who puts the bite on others for money i.e. a cadger . Blue: Dispute, stoush, vigorous disagreement ranging from an argument through to an all-in brawl. Alternatively - a mistake. Bluey: A blue cattle dog or a red-headed man or a speeding ticket. Blue-arsed fly: A figurative symbol of busyness. Alternatives: a one legged man in an arse kicking contest or a one-armed paper hanger. Blue-rinse set (collective noun): Old chooks. Commonly found in bingo halls around the country. Bodgie: Dodgy, of suspect worth or quality. Also from the early 1950s a "male youth, distinguished by conformity to certain fashions of dress and larrikin behaviour" whose female counterpart was a widgie. Bogey hole: A naturally occurring swimming hole in a river or rock shelf Boil the billy: Put the kettle on. Bonza. Of a more than acceptable standard, also bewdy, grouse. Bottler: Ripper, bewdy, bonza, corker. Bottle-O: Retail liquor outlet, the primary source of slabs. An off-licence to the Poms. Bowlo: Pronounced as bo-lo. Lawn bowling club. Broody: Clucky. Buckleys/Buckley's chance: No chance at all. "You've got two chances - none and Buckleys". Budgie smugglers, sluggos, dick stickers, banana hammocks: Male swimwear of proportions that test the limits of obscene exposure. Togs, cossies are non-gender specific swimwear. Bugger, buggered: One of the most versatile terms in the Aussie lexicon. It can be a noun (bloke, cove), verb (bugger off - depart), adjective (buggered - rooted, non-funtional). It can be an expletive, a term of endearment or the exact opposite. It takes an active practitioner of Strain to appreciate the subtleties and nuance of its deployment. Buggerlugs/bugalugs/buggalugs: A term of endearment, similar to "mate" but usually used in a slightly more patronising tone and with less immediate masculine connotations. Built like a chicken's instep: All prick and toenails. Skinny. Bulldust: Pork(y) pies, fibs or exaggerations, inviting the response "pig's arse!" Bung: Broken, non-functional. Bung it on: Pretend- "I bunged on a dose of the collywobbles and took a sickie". A good example of that example is man flu. Bung on: Put on - "I'll bung on a t-shirt", "bung a few more sossos on the barbie, we're running short". Bunger, gasper, durry, dart: Cigarette. A bunger is also, a large, explosive firework - a big cracker. Back in the good old pre-nanny state days the billy lids would save their dosh to purchase bungers for cracker night. Bunnings Onion: A slippery pitfall. A recent neologism I reckon will get popular traction :-) Bunyip: Mythical inhabitant of billabongs and waterways. From indigenous mythology. Bumper: Discarded cigarette end with some remaining tobacco recycled by those down on their luck. Bush (the): Country Australia - the perimeters of which are a tad nebulous as city boundaries continue to expand. The country's land-locked capital city is the 'bush capital' but is not itself part of the bush. Or is it? Bush bash: Vehicular off-road exploration. Bush week: A figurative time, indicative of an attempt to deceive - "What do you think it is? Bush week?" Derived from when country folk from the bush visited the big smoke and were prey to city tricksters and conmen. Bushie: Someone from the bush - a rural citizen. A Townie is from the bush but resides within the boundaries of a rural township. Bushman's breakfast: No breakfast at all. Defined as "a piss and a good look round". Butchers: Butcher's hook - crook (ill) or look (have a squizz) - also Captain Cook. Cack ya daks: Figuratively, to shit yourself. Cackleberry: Hen's egg. Cactus: Non-functioning. Not worth a brass razoo. Buggered. Knackered. Calling Ralph on the big white telephone, liquid giggle, technicolour yawn, chunder, regurgitation, spreading burley, damaging the Doulton. Cardonnay: A bogan's take on a popular white wine variety. If corrected to pronounce the "ch" the bogan may respond to the pedant by accusing them of being a "chunt". Carked it: Died. Catholic carrier. People mover. Cattle dog: Brochureware listing products without which your life has no meaning. Chalkie: A teacher. From the days of chalk and blackboards. Chateau deCardboard: Cheap wine (plonk) in a bag-in-a-box, aka a Dapto briefcase. Chew and spew: Dodgy take-away food or the retail premises that dispenses same. Chewy on ya boot: (Chewy = chewing gum) Sledging aimed at a goal kicker in AFL adopted for wider heckling purposes. China: China plate - mate. Cobber, pal. Chockers: Full. Choke a darky: Pass a blind mullet. Lay cable. Cholesterol corner: A concentration of fast food outlets. Chook: Chicken, hen. Barbied chook 'n' chips from the chew 'n' spew is a reliable standby when looking for a quick 'n' easy feed. Also, an "old chook" (always with the qualifier "old") is a human female of advanced years. Clacker: Derived from cloaca. Date, ring, freckle, bumhole. Cleanskin: Originally an unbranded animal, now also an unlabelled bottle of wine. Cleanskin wines are often a real bargain - sold at a cheap price and left unlabelled by the wine maker to off load excess stock without devaluing their brand. Click: Twig to, realise, dawn upon. Also: kilometre (klick). Cliner: Girlfriend (C.J.Dennis, The Sentimental Bloke). Clobber: (noun) Clothes. Also (verb) assault. Clucky: Broody. Cockatoo: A lookout, e.g. keeps an eye out for the rozzers at a game of two-up. Cobber: Mate, friend. Although it can be used when engaging with a complete stranger - "Oi, cobber, can I cadge a gasper?" Cocky: Cockatoo. Cow cocky: Cattle farmer. Cocky's joy: Golden Syrup. A treacly byproduct of sugar refining. Bonza on damper. Coldie: A cold beer. Come a gutser: Fail monumentally. Pronounced as one word - karmagutza. Alternatively - come a cropper. Come the raw prawn: To pull someone's leg, or to seek to deceive. Conshy: A conscientious person. Cooee: Not within cooee. Out of earshot. Far way. Missed by a mile. Also - not within a bull's roar. Coolgardie safe: A low-tech solution to keeping the flies and the heat from the lamb chops and beer. Cop you later: See ya, 'ooroo, see ya round like a rissole, good-bye. Couldn't run out of sight on a dark night: Slow. Ineffectual. Cove: Bloke. Crack a fat: Bone up, noting that 'bone up' also means to study - "Better bone up on your algebra, there's an exam next week". Crack the whip: Urge on threateningly. Crack the shits: to lose one's temper, to blow a pfoofer valve. Cracker: (Noun, adjective) Something of an excellent standard. (Noun) An explosive firework. Crook: Sick, ill. Crook as Rookwood: Really sick. Cunning kick: Money kept aside from your pay so the missus can't get her hands on it. That may sound sexist but it should be acknowledged that a woman's income is all hers whereas a man's income is also hers. Cup of chino: An espresso-based coffee drink prepared with double espresso and steamed milk foam as ordered by bogans. Cuppa: Cup of tea. A cuppa, a Bex, and a good lie down: A panacea for the over-wrought. Cut lunch commando : Army reservist. Cuts (the): Corporal punishment administered to the hand of a schoolboy miscreant by a teacher. It was reserved almost universally for boys. The limit was six. Three per hand. Six of the best. Dag: Someone unsophisticated in dress and/or manner. From the cling-ons around a sheep's arse. "Arse nugget" - as David Collins, one half of the duo The Umbilical Brothers, once referred to former prime minister Malcolm Turnbull. Rattle ya dags: Get a move on. Daks: Trousers. Trakky daks: Tracksuit pants. Dak (verb) - to de-trouser someone. Dark: A bit dark - a tad miffed, upset. Not quite to the level of being pissed off. Dead horse: Tomato sauce. Traditionally applied to dogs eyes. Democracy sausage: Consumed on a slice of bread with a squirt of dead horse at polling booths during elections; used as a fund raiser. Derro and Povvo: I hesitated including these two terms due to their nasty condescension. A derro (derelict) is a homeless person, a povvo is a poverty-stricken person. These terms say more about the user than the target. Dial: Face. Digger: Fellow True Blue, cobber. More accurately a digger is someone who has served in the army. Ding dong: A blue. Dingled: Telephoned. Ding: Noun or verb - dent. I dinged the car in a prang. Don't ding my car if you borrow it. Dingo: In proper usage it's the native dog of Australia. "Native" being a relative term given dingoes are the only placental animals in marsupial Australia. They were likely introduced from Asia through pre-European contact. Also - a cowardly, deceitful person. Dinkum/Fair Dinkum: True, honest, genuine. Dinky-di: True blue. Dirty: Shirty. Dish licker: Greyhound. Do the Harold (Holt): Bolt, scarper, depart with haste. Do your block: Spit the dummy, chuck a tanty, go off like a frog in a sock, crack the shits, have a hizzy fit. Dob: Inform on. One of the most egregious of transgressions. An Oz version of the English verb "grass". Docket: A bill/invoice. Alternatively a schedule - "Acker Dacker's on the docket at the Pavlova, Wazza!" Dodgey. Suspect. Testing the limits of acceptability or legality. Dog's breakfast: Mess. Dog's eye: Mystery bag, meat pie. Mystery bag can also mean a snag (sausage). Done like a (dog's) dinner: Comprehensively defeated. Dong: Strike, hit. Donga: Temporary workers' accommodation. Donger: Nudger, the gristle missile. Donk: Car or motorcycle engine. Doof doof: The loud repetitive bass from a fully sick car's sound system with no discernible rhythm or tune. Doovalackey: Thingamajig. Dosh: Moolah, money. Double pluggers: The most ubiquitous and egalitarian of footwear in the great land of Oz are thongs. Flip-flops to less-urbane foreigners. Double pluggers are top-shelf thongs, having 2 plugs on the foot straps where they plug into the sole for extra robustness. Dressed up like a pox doctor's clerk: Bedecked in one's finest. Drink with the flies: Solo intake of alcohol. Drongos, galahs: Mugs, nongs, no hopers, boof heads, dipsticks, pelicans. Couldn't find his bum with a bell on it. Drover: Stockman - a wrangler of cattle, horses or sheep. Drover's dog: A benchmark for low performance. Dry as a nun's nasty: Seriously thirsty. Duck's nuts (the): Much the same as bonza, perhaps a smidgeon above that high standard. Duds: Strides, trousers. Alternatively - failures, fizzers. Duffer: Cattle rustler. Silly duffer - goog, nong. Dunny budgie: A blowie (blowfly). Ear-basher: Someone who can talk under wet cement. Eggshell blonde: Bald. Emu parade: Picking up litter, typically as a punishment. To a shoolboy this is as demeaning and onerous as breaking rocks on a chain gang. Exxy: Expensive, over-priced. Face ache: Someone inclined to a miserable disposition. Fart arsing about: Faffing. Feral: Someone who's gone off the grid. FFS: Fer Fugg's Ache. "What now?" Figjam: An exclamation of success at the completion of a difficult task (Fuck I'm Good Just Ask Me). Also a derogatory nickname for a big-noter. Fill your boots: Be my guest. Knock yourself out. Fit as a Mallee bull: Full of vigour and vitality. Fizzer: A let down, a disappointment, an event failing to live up to expectations such as an unexploding firework. In the halcyon days of cracker night the billy lids would be up early to collect all the fizzers to tap for gunpowder with which to improvise our own weaponry. Flange: Female pink bits. Frothing at the flange: Up for it. Flanny: Flannelette shirt normally worn with Uggies and a mullet. The flanny has been misappropriated from bogans by hipsters as irony. Flash Harry: Of English origin from the St Trinians film series. Flash: Fancy, lairy. Flat chat: at full speed, busy. Flash the frightener: Expose one's nudger. Flubbeters: Tuckshop lady arms. Fossiker: Prospector. To fossick is to search - "I fossicked through the drawer for my sock that'd gone walkabout." Franger: Love glove. Freckle: the fundamental orifice. Fremantle doctor: Afternoon cool sea breeze as experienced in mid-summer Fremantle. Frosties: See Coldie. Not to be confused with Fosters. Any Aussie seen consuming a Fosters would be subject to taunting and accusations of being fresh off the boat. Fosters is for export to Pommies who don't know any better having being brought up on warm ales. Fred Nerks, Joe Bloggs, Joe Blow: Generic reference to noone in particular. Female version is Mrs Magillacuddy. From arsehole to breakfast. Comprehensive. Frothy chop: Glass of beer. Fuck me dead: "Goodness me! I didn't expect that." Holy Dooley is a more polite alternative. Fucknuckle: Idiot, drongo, galah. Fuggly: Fuckin' ugly. A face like a dropped pie/half-sucked mango/twisted sandshoe. A bush pig. Full as a centipede's sock drawer: There's no more space. Alternatively: pissed, blotto, under the affluence on inkahol. Full as a bush tick: Chockers - had more than a sufficient intake of tucker. Fully sick: A contribution from our younger immigrants of middle-eastern origins - meaning excellent. Typically applied to a cheap hatchback with a loud exhaust and a sound system that cost more than the car. The traditional Aussie term is schmick. Gab: Talk, discuss inconsequential issues. Yabber is meaningless gab. Geek (verb): To sticky-beak, to have a squizz at. Get a big black one up yer: Variously "I suspect you may be misleading me", "Please depart and engage in sexual congress with a quadruped." Get off at Redfern: Strategic withdrawal of the love muscle. Ginger minge: Female pubis with red short & curlies. Give birth to a sales manager/foreman etc: See a man about a dog, go for a number two. Give it a burl: Take a chance. Go off like a frog in a sock: Over-react. Go the clappers: The highest rate of velocity (flat chat) or a full effort is required. Goat boat (derogatory): Surf ski. Gob: Mouth (noun), To eat (verb). Gobby: Phlegm ball. Or head job / knob polish. Goin' off: Losing one's temper. Also, exceeding expectations as in the tempo of a party is goin' off if it increases beyond expected norms. Gone troppo: Lost control of one's ability to cogently process one's thoughts. Gone ga ga. Gone walkabout: Voluntarily missing. If applied to an inanimate object it means that that object can't be found. One sock commonly goes walkabout when the washing is being sorted. Good oil: Reliable and therefore welcome information. Good on the tooth: Has a fondness for tucker, bordering on being a garbage guts. Goog: A chicken egg. Also, a silly person. A temporary state, whereas drongoism is genetic. Goon: Cheap plonk (wine) packaged in a bag in a box - a Dapto suitase. Goose: Drongo, galah. Gosfords. Very short skirt - it's just below the entrance. The Entrance being a town on the NSW central coast near Gosford. Green Room (surfing) : The inside of the tube of a wave; a barrel. Grinning like a shot fox : Smug. Grommet: Young surfer. Would not be seen dead on a fossil stick (longboard). Grouse: The quality of positiveness applied as an adjective to almost anything. We had a grouse day at the beach. Have to admit that that new hipster beer is pretty grouse. Growler: Growl and grunt- the tunnel of love. The bearded clam. Grundies/Reg grundies: Undies/underpants, jocks. Guvvie: Government supplied home for housos. Half a mongrel: A state halfway between full tumescence (cracked a fat) and flaccidity. Happy little Vegemite: An upbeat, cheerful individual. Hard done by: Treated unfairly. Hard word: To put the hard word on someone is to seek money (also "putting the bite on") or sexual favours. Harry's: Harry's Cafe DeWheels pie cart in Wooloomooloo, Sydney. Hazzitgarn?: How are you? (How's it going?) Head like a robber's dog/half-sucked mango/warped sandshoe: Fuggly. Headlights on high beam: Descriptive of a chesty woman. Hide the sausage: Give the ferret a run. Hiding: Corporal punishment in the days preceding it's abolition as an acceptable punishment for children. If used in an adult:adult context then a hiding is a comprehensive defeat (physically or virtually). Hit the turps: Overindulge in spiritous and fermented liquors Hoik: Throw, chuck, toss. "Hoik ya swag in the ute, Bluey." Hoon: Young, over-enthusiastic driver. Typically accompanied by doof doof. A rev head/petrol head. Hornbag: (Good) sort. Horse's doovers: Hors d'œuvres. "None of that poncy French muck for me, I'm havin' some of these dinkum horse's doovers." Hughie: The great rain god. In like Flynn: Enthusiastically participate in an opportunity. In a tick. Soon. Interrogating the prisoner, badgering the witness, choking the chicken, playing the pink oboe. Self-abuse. Japanese safety boots: Thongs i.e. flip flops. Jatz crackers: Knackers, balls, testicles. Bollocks. No, it's true i tells ya! Jimmy Dancer: Cancer. Jimmy Grant: Immigrant. Joe Blake: Snake. Joe Blow: A figurative person; the Aussie everyman. Joggers, runners: Footwear for the ambulatorily ambitious. Jumbuck: A sheep. Ken oath: Fukkin' oath - "only too true, my friend." Kill a brown dog (would): Potent. Knackered: Exhausted (person. A shot duck), worn out or broken (machinery). Knee trembler: Wristy, hand shandy, hand job. Knock off: Finish work. Alternatively - a cheap replica. Knock off its horns and wipe its arse: "I'll have my steak extremely rare please." Knockabout: (Noun) an easygoing cove. Knock about with: to keep company with others. Lady Godiver: Fiver, five pounds. Lammo: Lamington. A cube of sponge cake dipped in chocolate and coconut. Leg-over: get a leg-over, pull a root. Let it through to the keeper. To not respond. Like a mad woman's breakfast: All over the shop. Lips 'n' arseholes: The contents of a mystery bag (see Dog's eye). Lipstick on the dipstick: Evidence of fellatio (knob polish). Lock it in Eddie. Confirmed. Lofty: A common nickname for a tall man. Stumpy: Another common nickname for a tall man. Long kneck: 750ml bottle of beer vs a 375ml stubbie. Stubbies are also short shorts. Long paddock: Country roadside where cattle are grazed in the long dry preceding the inevitable big wet. Looker: Attractive person, a spunk. Should be used by heterosexual males only in reference to females lest they be accused of being a poofter. Lyin' doggo: Keeping quiet after pulling your head in. Mad as a meat-axe/cut snake: Not fully in possession of one's mental faculties. Map of Tassie: Map of Tasmania. The hairy triangular female pubic area, hence also the furry triangle. Martin Place: Moniker for someone who's a bit too fond of the frothy chop. As full as Martin Place every lunch time. Mate’s rates: A discount. Me 'n' you: Menu. Wherein you can often find the perennial favourite Chicken Pyjamas (parmigiana). Meat and 2 veg: Male genitals. Mexican: A citizen of the state of Victoria. Mole: Woman of questionable morals (ceiling inspector, town bike, bangs like a dunny door). Probably a derivative of moll. Can be used affectionately ala 'bastard'. More arse than class: Lucky not talented. More front than Myers/Grace Bros: Audacious. Motza: Lotsa/lots of - typically of money. Mouth like the bottom of a cocky's cage: Dry as a nun's nasty. Alternatively - foul-mouthed, as in "do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Muffin top: Love handles, those fleshy folds that spill over the waist of one's trakky daks. Mug: Face. Also an easily duped individual - e.g. a mug punter. Mug lair: A show off. Munted: Pissed as. Pissed means drunk, not angry. Muster: To gather. "Muster the troops - the boss wants a word." Traditionally applied to herding cattle. Nah, yeah, nah: Nah. Nature strip: The roadside grass and shrubbery of urban Oz. Nellie Melba: To do a Nellie Melba is to continue to re-appear after having ostensibly retired. Noah: Noah's ark, shark. No hoper. A useless individual, a lost cause, an oxygen thief. No wukkers: No wukking furries - no fucking worries. No dramas. Noggin, puddin, scone: Head. "I got donged on the noggin by a low hangin' branch." Nong: Drongo, galah, boofhead, dill. Not happy Jan: A gender-neutral reference to dissatisfaction with someone's actions. Not here to fuck spiders - get down to business, no mucking about. Not playing for sheep stations. It's not that important. Not too far: Far. Nuddy (in the): Naked, nude. Nudey-rudey: In the nuddy at an inappropriate place or time. Nudger: Love muscle, the man in the pink polo neck, pork sword, donger, prong, frightener, tossle, dong, slug, knob, todger, one-eyed trouser snake, gristle missile. Nudie run: Generally a quick dash, starkers, to retrieve something - "I did a nudie run to the Hills Hoist to grab some grundies." Nugget: A chance discovery of value. A nickname for a short, stocky cove. Nut, nutted: "I saw Tony Abbott and I'd had half a skinful and I wanted to nut the cunt." A bloke called Astro Funknukl Labe after head-butting our drongo ex-PM. Onya Astro! Occy strap: Octopus strap, a length of elasticised rubber with metal hooks on either end designed to remove eye-balls and appendixes - and also for tying down luggage. These, a roll of duct tape and a can of WD40 are to be found in every bush mechanic's kit. Offsider: Assistant. Onya: Well done old chum! A contraction of "good on you!" 'Ooroo: Goodbye. Open the lunchbox: To pass wind with a noisome result. To let fluffy off the chain. Owyagarn: A greeting in the form of a rhetorical questioning of one's current mood and well-being. No answer is expected, nor indeed appreciated, beyond a succinct positivity such as 'yeah mate, good". Even if you're at death's door. Pronounced variously as "Owyagoan" or "Airgun". Pash rash: Facial friction burns from a round of tonsil tennis. Pavlova: Horden Pavilion, Sydney Showground. Pelican, goose, galah: A dill described in avian terminology. Piece of piss: Readily accomplished. The opposite of pushing shit uphill with a pointy stick. Plumber's crack: The informality of tradies expressed sartorially. Poets day: Friday (Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday). Pokies: Poker machines, one-armed bandits. A mechanised, government sponsored means of extracting money from those who can least afford to lose it. Pom: Pommy - an Englishman/woman. Not a 'Brit' as Scotsmen are Jocks or Jimmies, Irishmen are Micks or Paddies and the Welsh are unfathomable. Adjective - Pommie. Port: A suitcase - portmanteau. Prang: Bingle. An accident, typically vehicular. Puddin: Head, noggin. Also a dill, dimwit, goog. Pull one’s head in: Withdraw from an argument. Pull a swiftie: Trick, con. Push: Gang of larrikins. Put the bite on: Cadge, ask for money. Put the boot/slipper in: A figurative coup de gras. Quid: Pre-decimal currency of £1 ($2.00). Not the full quid - not the brightest bulb in the light shop, nor the sharpest axe in the shed, their toast isn't buttered all the way to the edge. A dullard. Rack off: Fuck off. Rafferty's rules: Anything goes. Ranga, Bluey: Ginger, red-head vs Snow(y): Blonde. Red Sea pedestrian: Someone of the Jewish faith. Reg Grundies: BVDs, jocks, undies. Ridgididge: The genuine article. Righto, righteo: OK. Ring in. Unqualified substitute. Ringer: The gun shearer in a shearing shed. Ripper, rip snorter: Excellent, grouse, a pearler. Rissole: RSL Club. "I'm off to the Rissole for a shandy." Roo bar/bull bar: Impact protection if mounted on the front of a country ute. Penis substitute if affixed to the front of a Toorak tractor. Rooster: A well dressed, good lookin' fella. A swell. Root: (noun) sexual congress, a naughty, a leg-over. Verb: give the ferret a run, hide the sausage, release the snake in the long grass. Root the hair on a barbershop floor: Aroused. Rort: Noun - a dodgy practice. Verb - to engage in a suspect practice. Rouse: Verb. To rouse on someone is to rebuke them. Typically in a parent/child scenario. It's a step that preceded a hiding if the rousing was not taken seriously. Rozzers, wallopers: "Fair dinkum ossifer, I'm jober as a sudge." Rubbity: Rubbitydub, pub. Rug up: Dress in your warmest rig. Sanger: Sandwich. Sosso sangers at Bunnings are becoming an entrenched cultural phenomenon. Schnitty: Australia's embrace of Viennese cuisine. Accompanied by chips as a perennial favourite on the menus of bowlos, Rissoles and country rubbities. Scorcher: A very hot day, or an event that exceeds normal limits. Scrap: A blue, a fight or argument (sometimes scrape is used). Also - discarded material, typically from some sort of manufacturing or construction. Seppo, Septic: American. Septic tank - Yank, Yankee (northern or southern, we don't give a fuck). Settle petal: Calm down Precious. Shag on a rock (like a): Figuratively isolated. Shandy: Half beer, half lemonade. Consumed by sheilas. Shank's pony: The motive force of pedestrianism. Shark bait: Someone learning to surf. She’ll be right (future tense): Bob's your uncle (present tense). All is well or under control. Sheila: Woman. When applied to a male it's derogatory, equivalent to the "girly man" sledge of Arnie Schwarzenegger. Shirty: Sniffy, miffed, displeased, narky, not happy Jan. Shit-kicker: A menial, a drudge, a gofer. Shits me to tears/shits me up the wall: very annoying. Shot through (like a Bondi tram): Departed expeditiously. Did the Harold. Shout: Purchase a round of drinks. Shrapnel: Coinage (see what i did there?), small change. Typically used by the older demographic when paying for a purchase at the head of an impatient queue. Sidies: Side levers, lice ladders, sideburns. Skiddie: Skid mark. Trace evidence of a blind mullet. Skip/Skippy: A native-born Australian of Anglo origins. Skiver: Bludger. Slab: A cardboard carton containing 24 cans of lager. Sludge bucket/Sludgemobile: Mostly, but not exclusively, Yank Tanks, and typically equipped as sludge-o-matics. Sludge-o-matic: Car equipped with an automatic gear box, typically limited to 2 or 3 speeds. "Davo bought a sludge-o-matic yank tank. It drinks like a fish and handles like a shopping trolley. Bloody Seppos wouldn't know a decent car if it parked on their foot." Snag: Variously a sausage, a glitch or a hidden hazard in a waterway Snookered: Ran out of options. Snot block: A national delicacy of vanilla custard between two pastry wafers with passionfruit icing. So windy it'd blow a sailor off your sister. Sook: A whinger. Sort/Good sort/Spunk: A looker - usually but not exclusively female. Spare me days: Blimey! Sparrers: Sparrow's fart. Prior to sunrise. StupidO'Clock. Sparrer's guts: Asparagus. Spit the dummy, chuck the toys out of the cot. Chuck a wobbly. Have a hissy fit. Crack the shits. Do ya lolly. Splash the boots, unbutton the mutton: Pass water. Spray (noun, verb): Abuse. Sport: Alternative to 'mate'. Good sport: A fair minded individual who's square an' all. Squatocracy: The landed gentry, hereditary cow cockies, bunyip aristocracy vs the absentee Pitt Street Farmers whose connection with the countryside is limited to a remote commercial investment typically for tax purposes. Standout like dog's balls: Something obvious. Stiffy: A rigid todger. Stink eye: A dirty look. Stoked: Well pleased. Stone the crows: Blimey! Stoush: A blue, a barney. A vigorous argument or a punch up. Straight to the pool room: Said of an item of special interest that merits display. Strides: Trousers. Stunned mullet (a face like a): A surprised expression. Swag: Transportable possessions particularly sleeping kit - a matilda. Swaggie: Swagman. An itinerant, eulogised in our defacto national anthem Waltzing Matilda. Tasmanian tuxedo: An unpretentious and practical means of staying warm and dry in our southern-most state, it's a puffer jacket. Tell your story walkin': Don't let the door hit you on the arse on your way out. On ya bike. Here's ya hat, what's ya hurry. Telling it to the judge, bobbing for apples, tongue-o-war: cunnilingus. Three dog night: Inspiration for the band name, it was aboriginal lore that on a freezing night they'd curl up with three dogs to keep warm. Tide's out. Your shout. Tinny: A can of beer or an aluminium run-about with oars and/or an outboard motor. Toey: On edge, antsy. Not to be confused with Towie - a tow-truck driver. Too right. An affirmation - "Are we gunna watch the footie this arvo?" "Too right!" Toorak tractor: A large, 4-wheel drive vehicle that will never see an unsealed road. Toot: Lav, dunny, thunderbox, throne, bog, twinkle palace, long drop. Tradies: Chippies and sparkies and brickies; someone "on the tools". Tradies breakfast: A sausage roll, a doughnut and a can of Coke purchased from a servo. Trots (the): Diahorrea (the squirts). Possibly derived from the hurried walk with long strides, buttocks clenched, that is reminiscent of the horses' gait in harness racing aka the trots. Trouble and strife: Wife, hugs & kisses (missus). Trough lolly: Disinfectant lozenge placed in urinals. Trousered the public coin: Paid out of our taxes. Truckie's tan: A sunburnt right arm. Tuck shop: School canteen. Tuck shop ladies' arms: Flubbeters; those loose, fleshy folds on the upper arms of the mothers who commonly volunteer at the tuckshop. Tucker: Sustenance in a solid format. Turps: Alcohol. Two bob watch (as useful as): Unreliable, dodgy, shonky. Two-pot screamer: A low threshold tolerance of turps. Two-up: Traditional gambling game involving two pennies tossed from a kip. Also - double-dinking on a bicycle or motorcycle. Uggies: Ugg boots. Uggers: Ugly. Ugly as a hat full of arseholes: e.g. Tony Abbott. Unco. Uncoordinated, clumsy. Underground mutton: Rabbit. Up and down like a bride's nightie: A dynamic state of affairs. Wallaby track: Where swaggies venture looking for work. Warrigal: A native dog, a dingo. Werribee duck: "In more shit than a Werribee duck"...in big trouble. From the ducks in Werribee, Victoria that favour the local sewage treatment ponds as a habitat. Whacko, Whacko the diddle-O: You beaut, good one. Whinge: Complain. White pointers: Uncovered, untanned, perky funbags. Who's fucking this cat? Shut up and leave me to it. William (the): The bill, account, invoice. Windbag: Earbasher, overly loquacious individual, someone who yabbers incessantly, typically a politician. Wobbly boot: Tie on the wobbly boot - get as full as a chook. To take it a step further (no pun intended) you would be legless - a progression from from wobblyness to immobility. Wombat: Eats, roots and leaves. Wonky: Not fully functional (inanimate objects). Feeling a bit crook (animate objects). Woofy: Has a bit of a pong. Alternatively: Iffy, dodgy. Woop Woop: Beyond the black stump where the crows fly backwards. Wouldn't be dead for quids: I'm feeling quite chipper, thank you. Wowser: A censorious, self-righteous do-gooder, a wet blanket. Wrap your laughing gear 'round that: Eat up! Yabby: Freshwater crayfish. Similar to marron from WA. Yakka/Hard yakka: Onerous work. Yank tank: Overly large American automobile. Yeah, nah, yeah: Yeah. Yob/yobbo: A bogan. Yonks: Ages - "Where've you been, haven't seen ya for yonks." You beaut: Top of the line. e.g. you beaut ute - flash utility vehicle. Youse: Plural of you. Zak: Sixpence (5 cents). Zed car: A Commonwealth government vehicle that's rego number starts with a Z. Politics Every so often, through the fog of inane pollie waffle a gem of linguistic creativity emerges to be added to our national lexicon and archived for posterity. Here are some samples. Paul Keating, the bovver boy from Bankstown: All tip and no iceberg - on Peter Costello A shiver looking for a spine - on John Howard Couldn't raffle a duck in a pub - on the LNP The cherry on the compost heap - on Malcolm Turnbull Like being flogged with a warm lettuce - about John Hewson Painted, perfumed gigolo - on Andrew Peacock Gough Whitlam "I remember" - in response to Sir Winton Turnbull shouting "I am a Country member." Gareth Evans to Bob Hawke "Pull out, digger. The dogs are pissing on your swag." Joh Bjelke-Peterson, despotic bumpkin "Feeding the chooks". Describing his own press conferences Some mythical names are frequently invoked by our more right wing pollies to stoke fear and misgivings and encourage the endorsement of their big brother ideologies: Laura Norder, Warren Terra, Terry Wrist. Oz Pronunciation From Let Stalk Strine by Afferbeck Lauder If you can work out these examples from the book then you have an ear for Strine. I laughed so much I peed a little. The festive occasion of 31st December. Each year, at midnight, Strines throughout the land perform the ceremony of joining hands with strangers and chanting 'Shoulder Quaint's Beef Cot' (also know as `Frolang Zine'). Egg Nishner: A mechanical device for cooling and purifying the air of a room. Eye-level Arch: The Strine method of ordering a meal in a restaurant. As in: `Eye-level arch play devoisters Anna piner martyr sauce an tea', or `Eye-level arch ching chair min an some Swissair pork.' Furry Tiles: Sick humour for kiddies. These are stories which begin with the words, `One spawner time...' and then describe in graphic and revolting detail various acts of murder, mayhem and treachery Garment: An invitation to visit. As in: `Garment seamy anile seward icon do.' I Marfter: I am about to leave. As in: `Well, I marfter tan now. I'll gedgeter turn the oven on at Harps four' Inner Narkup Luddaze: A builder's term, meaning: within the next seven or eight weeks. An elaboration of this phrase, `Air smite, inner narkup luddaze for sure', means, in the building trade, within the next seven or eight weeks. Jess Tefter; Lefter: It is necessay to. As in: `She'll jess tefter get chews twit', or `You lefter filner form.' Numb Butter; Jessa (Synonyms): Only. As in: `They're numb butter buncher drongoes', or `He's jessa no-hoper.' Rep Bairg: An irresponsible person. See also Dare Debts. Retrine: Making an effort. As in: How to speak Strine without retrine. Rise Up Lides: Sharpened steel wafers, now usually stineless, used for shiving. Sag Rapes: Anything which one wants but is unable to reach. Sander's Lape: In a state of suspended animation. As in: `Doan mica noise, Norm, the kiddies are Sander's lape.' Semmitch: Two slices of bread with a filling in between, e.g. M-semmitch; semmon semmitch; chee semmitch. When ordering semmitches the following responses are indicated: A: Sell semmitches? B: Air, emeny jiwant? A: Gimmie utter martyr and an airman pickle. Emma chisit? (or Emma charthay?) B: Toon nimepen slidy. (or Threem form smite. A man is always expected to pay more for food than a woman is.) Sly Drool: An instrument used by engineers for discovering Kew brutes and for making other calculations. Tan Cancel: The elected local government authority. Tea Nature: Adolescent Term Night Sear: Terminates here. Terror Souse: One of a number of conjoined double or triple-storeyed dwellings found in the older parts of some capital cities Would never: Do not have. As in: `You would never light wood-germite?' or `Ar would never glue.' X: The twenty-fourth letter of the Strine alphabet; also plural of egg; also a tool for chopping wood. I dips me lid also to those colonial colloquialists - Barry Humphries Kath and Kim - Jane Turner and Gina Riley Aussie movies: Smiley The Castle The Dish Banjo Patterson, Henry Lawson and CJ Dennis Other readings: Yeah, nah: Aussie slang hasn't carked it, but we do want to know more about it. Monash University. Get yer hand off it, mate, Australian slang is not dying. The Conversation. How Australians talk about tucker is a story that’ll make you want to eat the bum out of an elephant. The Conversation. Corporatese - The Superior Excellence Awards for outstanding achievements in bull shitting

The End of an Error Montage: Twitter Nominating those most worthy of their fall under the 2022 karma bus provides both a shortlist for fuck-knuckle of the year (FOTY) and solid evidence that the human species is at an evolutionary dead end when such bilge is the best we can come up with to run the world. It's also a somewhat cathartic end to the year to call out these cockwombles, and it holds out some small hope for a better 2023. I've pruned back a long list and may have overlooked some strong contenders - if you think someone truly worthwhile has not got a mention then please nominate them in the comments. The Liberal Party. One of the great oxymorons of Oz politics, the Liberal (sic) Party is a collective noun for losers. Corrupt by inclination, incompetent through habit, mean and nasty by nature there is no con they're incapable of in any attempt to recapture the graft. Kicked in the nuts at state, territory and federal levels, 2022 may have been the beginning of the end of this cabal of dolts, vandals and thieves. Their dissolution can't come soon enough - replaced by sensible independents and Greens with a few harmless nutters like Bob The Mad Hatted Katter retained as a repository for the irredeemable RWNJ vote and as occasional comedy relief - it can only be a good thing. @TomRed43 Spud and Suss - the meritocracy that is the "natural party of government" threw up the tuberesque undertater and his whiney sidekick. Bubba and Squeak are the best that Schrödinger's opposition has to offer. These two are so ineffectual they barely even register as bad guys. Liz Truss may have survived longer if she'd also gone that extra consonant - "Liz Trusss" has a certain multi-dimensional, reptilian cold bloodedness that could've kept the warm & fuzzy milquetoasts of the British financial establishment at bay until she fully sank the economy. The horseshit producers from the Murdoch stable are another collective nomination. The plagiarists, phone hackers, bin rummagers, fossil fuel boosters, airheads and entropied fuddy duddies from the outrage factory of a withered, tax avoiding sociopath were left sobbing into their Tanqueray London Drys as their best efforts to turn Oz into a neo-liberal hellscape came to nought. $40 million in Lib government grants provided some consolation. Phil Coorey from planet Costello is an honorary member of this shameless Tory cheer squad. Vladimir Putin's title of murderous psycopath of the century is likely assured but karma won't have finished with him until his bloodied corpse is pelted with potatoes as it's dragged behind a tractor through Red Square. Next year maybe. In the interim Vlad will not be admiring the views from any high windows. Elon Musk, the world’s richest shitposter torched US$44 billion for Twitter and tanked Tesla shares as a consequence simply to show the cool guys how funny he is. He's just a gormless twat with inherited wealth and Saudi riyals to squander but it's his now revealed autocratic RWFWery that earns him a place on any list of prominent arseholes. Honourable mentions Cookers. No crazy is crazy enough for these whackadoodle 'sovereign citizens'. Nutters desperately seeking relevance and importance as revealers of great truths in their otherwise dreary, meaningless existence? They could be laughed off except these are the same types of deluded beer belly putschers, gravy seals and ammosexuals who invaded Washington's Capitol seeking to murder Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi and are of the type who did murder two young coppers and a neighbour in Queensland. Barnaby Joyce. No list of fuckwits is complete without Barnaby's name being included. Matthew Guy. "Call me Matt" ex-Vic Lib leader and the loser of losers smashed by Dan Andrews at the last state election. Not the worst of the worst because he's such a loser and so never achieved the level of prominence that would have allowed him to let loose his worst mobster instincts. Brian Houston's invisible BFF rewards the worthy with riches so with the tithe taps turned off Brother Brian is learning what it's like for those of us who are out of favour with the Big Guy in the sky. Karma ran over his prosperity dogma. Sad! Katherine Deves. Apparently there's blokes going about chopping off their cocks so they can win ribbons at women's swimming carnivals but like most, I can spot a genuine cunt a mile away. The final contenders The final three are possibly obvious - they have in common a natural affinity with lying, a talent for the grift, a narcissistic self-belief that goes beyond delusion and a physical presence that would make a cadaver dog gag. They are the smirking, prosperity god-fodder who disproved the Peter Principle six jobs ago, an adulterous £5 haircut on an unmade bed and an apricot-coloured fatsuit filled with congealed hamburger grease. ScoMo, BoJo and Fuckhead. After an uninterrupted run 2016-2020 Trump misses out this year, a has-been loser wandering the despot kitsch of Mar-a-lago accosting patrons with his tired schtick of the Big Lie as the walls close in on him. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson still maintains the collosal conceit of a Churchillian resurrection of his interrupted career as one of Britain's great PMs. A dilettante, a wastrel, a shambolic opportunist and agent of chaos with no fixed principles he gave top spot as FOTY a good run but conceded the win to our very own Grange label on a goon bag - Smirko von Skidmark. Purging Scott Morrison from our system requires that we be exposed to some bit more Scott Morrison. The brighter the light shone on the behaviour of Resting Smug Face, that reprehensible black hole of honesty where truth bends around him, the less likely it is that hypocritical God shoppers like him will ever again steal such high public office. Smirko's shortcomings are many, manifest and of consequence. A colourless non-entity who through happenstance, arrogance and a disdain for common courtesies and proprieties, whose abuse of trust and loyalty gained him a role for which he was entirely unfit. Devoid of decency this Jesus-espousing hypocrite bullied and hectored those least able to fight back. A mongrel; a coward loathed by those who know of him and those who know him. The final, public humiliation of Scooter Morrison is a play in two parts - his parliamentary censure and his appearance at the Royal Commission into Robodebt. His Scotty The Saviour-themed response to parliamentray censure included apocalyptic eschatology ("staring into the abyss"), blame-deflecting and, self-congratulatory claims to the efforts of others and wholly-invented assertions of heroism. His responses to questioning at the Royal Commission were a Morrisonian masterclass in deflection, avoidance and dissembling. If anyone was to blame it was those public servants, who upon his gaining office he instructed to do only what they were told and no more. What a gold-plated minger he is. If justice prevails there will be part 3 - Smirko fronting the The National Anti-Corruption Commission. Perhaps there the dawning realisation that he is the most widely loathed politician in our history will elicit some genuine contrition . *The End of an Error - from a sign held up at the inauguration of Joe Biden. Former prime minister Scott Morrison does not intend to remain in parliament for the long term and is likely to start thinking about pursuing a business career in the new year, according to confidants. AFR 22/12/22 Who can imagine the standards of any organisation that would employ this POS? Glen Le Lievre Good reading The Myth of the Secret Genius - The Garden of Forking Paths

Australians all lettuce rejoice Haley Joel Osment from The sixth sense They may have dropped the constant, asinine, look-at-moi dress-ups of the moronic galoot but they've not abandoned the concept entirely. It's now band camp for the miffed - the smirking, one man band in hi-viz has morphed into collective, performative outrage to feed to a conflict-hungry media pack. Their chutzpah is admirable - their acting skills not so much. This one time, at band camp....Image: aap photos High dudgeon from the scolds seems to be the key theme for the Tories right now, filling the void of their miserable, ideas-free existence. The entitled, senior girls' hockey team from St Salubrious School for Pretentious Mingers' rampage through the lolly shop ended at the check-out when the electorate, insufficiently whelmed, refused their credit cards. And they're not happy. Proving that awfulness is no longer gendered in the "natural party of government" the ladies ga-ga is a rich pallette of Prus and Trudes, trolley ragers, flabbagers and dimwits. Whine sommelier Sussan Ley, taking advantage of her natural expression of perpetual bewilderment is the ladies' team captain - sooking and sulking and blowing snot bubbles at her media displays of disaffection. Rather than gravitas her performances convey a tone of 'a few too many slides down the banisters'. LeyZ has assumed the mantle of national whinger from the bright red dipstick from Queensland, deciding that constant complaint is an easier gig than regaining credibility through, here's an idea, actual thought and effort. The Tories have two major problems (well, that is apart from their record of corruption, incompetence and depravity). Bullying and misogyny is their brand. Their game plan so far is to accuse the dog of farting - pointing the finger at Labor for their own failings, where their every accusation is a confession. Their latest, rather too obvious ploy was to accuse Albo of shouting at one of their own. These are the crumb maidens from the Ditch The Witchers, the party that believes it is owed some gratitude for not shooting women protesters, the party of accused rapists, up-skirters, sexual harrassers and desk-jizzers. Their faux indignation is at a pantomime level of authenticity. The Team Karen line up is a dial-up modem in a broadband world - squawky, slow, unreliable and not fit for purpose: While not present at Operation Finger Albo it was good to see a return to form of Michaelia Blah Stupenda Cash who's fully invested in her own well-paid 'kick-the-workers-in-the-nuts' persona, complaining loudly (obv.) that any concession to those worst off would "broing Astroiya to its knoise" . Bam Bam McKenzie always looks as if she's been dragged from storage in a cardboard box under George Christensen's bed. Changing gears without using the clutch has loosened Bam Bam's grasp on reality, or perhaps it's her Trumpian version of alternative facts when complaining of the kyboshing of her sport rorts (i.e. theft of public money) followed her declaration that "Australians have no tolerance for corruption in sport". Holly Hughes - a Joan of snark and what a UTI would look like if a bag of flour blew up in its face, is a self-righteous windbag of no identifiable achievements beyond complaints that Labor has not yet fixed nine years of Tory theft and incompetence. Jane Hume, with the obsequious eagerness of a head prefect, would happily serve the canapés at a puppy drowning if directed to do so by the Big Swinging Dicks club. Linda Reynolds of "lying cow" infamy is as suspect as a scoutmaster's lolly bag when it comes to credibility on bullying. Sarah Henderson, Anne Ruston, Melissa Price, Nola Marino and the anonymous et als of the backbench were all complicit in the illegal hounding of Centrelink recipients that went far beyond bullying. None has any credibility nor a sense of shame. Meanwhile in the UK, thick Lizzie's 4.1 Scaramuccis as PM, outlasted by a leafy vegetable, you'd think would have set a low water mark for Tories. A neoliberal dogmatist crashing the world's 6th largest economy in just one day with her Hayekian brain farts had the Tory press rapidly dropping Truss from their Christmas card list. Here in Oz within a global conservative shift to crazy we can be grateful our RWFW vegie patch is now no more than bubble and squeak; left-overs pushed to the side and largely ignored. Our version of Liz Truss is reduced to bleating her whinges to an audience that has lost interest . Good reads UK’s Tory papers call it: it’s Boris! No, wait… Crikey

How will they sell the tattered remains of a discarded and discredited rabble? From Twitter Now that Stooge McFuck has been consigned to a nosebleed seat on the backbenches from whence to idley speculate on the humiliating turn his miracles have taken and to importune potential post-politics grift it will be interesting to watch how the Tories repackage their unsellable bunko brand as being a credible alternative government. The thinning of the Tory herd has provided their tattered remnants with an opportunity for renewal, for some introspection on their electoral drubbing, for a dash of humility or contrition as redress for the embarrassment that was that Jesusing, self-regarding calamity DiddleyScott Morrison. The light shone on their monetising of crises, their turpitude, cronyism, incompetence and mendacity should've elicited a profession of regret or apology or perhaps some distancing from the most odious of their spivs. Now that we've been spared many of the colourful personalities who'd come to define the character of the L/NP they could've dialed back the awful. Two outstanding examples of the colour that has drained from their ranks are persons of girth Gorgeous George Christensen and Craig Kelly, both having voluntarily left the building - Georgiebuoy to flog RWFW merch and his conspiratorial fucknuttery via his poor man's Alex Jones social media, while Cray Cray's status as "our next Prime Minister" has been down-graded to bouncy castle consultant. Another of my favourites was Eric Abetz. When, like Eric, you have real Nazis in your family tree - great uncle SS Standartenführer Otto and then also Erwin Rommel, a cousin of his maternal grandfather, you're a sitting duck for innuendo and cheap shots. Who am I to resist such temptation? If Eric had harboured any ambitions for launching a panzer attack on Stalingrad he kept it fairly quiet; his right-wing fuckwittery was kept within the traditional Tory boundaries of racism, homophobia and cutting the wages of lowly-paid Parliament House cleaners. Eric's appeal to proto-Nazis in the Tory base became redundant once the embaldened Dutton-dressed-as-yam became tuber supreme. A broad sweep of other funsters was also lost to the L/NP. They cover a range of personality disorders from a-holes to Zed. Canny share trader Diamond Dave Sharma, blunderkind Joshie Frydenberg, shrubbery lurker Andrew Laming, Red Gladys Liu aka Bimboo (she's a dense Chinese plant), Mandy-Jane Stoker (somewhere there's a camel missing its toe), prayer room supplicant Tim Wilson and the porn aesthete and diminutive dwarf tosser Greg 'Berkeley' Hunt. Christian Porter the Tory princeling and darling of the born-to-rule set, those entitled types who complain about the bald kids getting priority in the queue at SeaWorld, had his privileged, consequences-free life evaporate as he punched himself in the dick with futile lawsuits against those calling him out for the dirtbag that he is. After such a cleanse how have the Tories behaved? Hint: They're not taking it well. Sulking and public tantrums were on display from the "natural party of government" as the lolly jar was removed from their grasp. Toys were chucked, dummies were spat, fainting couches were deployed. Tory-spruiker talk shows indulged the pouting and shouting from the remaining dross that populates the smoking ruin of the Lying Nasty Party. As if to demonstrate that women can make it in Tory politics provided they are just as egregious as the men the umbrage was led by Holly Hughes, most notable for her pearl necklaces (subliminal messaging as to Holly's favourite past-time perhaps) and her crusade against the Marxist ideology of the teaching profession and her dismissal of climate change as a "luxury issue". From the Tory brains trust When confronted with their malfeasance the Tories are capable of embarrassment but not shame. They circle the wagons - obfuscating, quibbling, blame-shifting and projecting albeit while blushing and looking at their shoes. Any regret is only ever at getting caught. DiddleyScott led the Nasties to new levels of heinous behaviour, clad in his belief he had celestial licence to indulge his megalomania. Can the Nasties change? They won't. Morrison and his messiah complex may be toxic and while now a figure of derision he moved the dial on acceptable behaviour way beyond norms and conventions. He tested what he could get away with; who knows what he was capable of had he been re-elected. The stench still clings to the shadey characters who survived. I doubt that Spud has the inclination, the character or the stones to do anything about it. Glen LeLievre