A discourse on disintegration - entropy as experienced by the codger
Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison all did the right thing at age 27. They not so much fell off the perch as flung themselves enthusiastically from it. I am not promoting the notion of suicidal self-indulgence, I am just acknowledging the upside of not having to witness the sad decline of 1960s icons of cool and non-conformance. Have you seen the Rolling Stones lately? I don't want to watch my pop-cultural heroes degrade into geezers but rather to keep them in my mind as fixed-in-time embodiments of youthful exuberance and not-give-a-fuck attitude.
They shall not grow old however i personally accept aging as the better of the two available options. In fact, i embrace it. It's true freedom. It's not having to live up to any expectations other than compliance to a codger stereotype to annoy the shit out of the consumerist, status driven Gen Xers and the self-obsessed, angst-ridden Millennials. It is tremendous fun to do so.
Nothing says "i have retained my don't-give-a-fuck attitude " more than does the geezer wardrobe and an indifference to its deployment. Indifference is the key factor - loose Speedos at the beach with one exposed testicle? Codger!
A spotless Driz-A-Bone oilskin coat at a Southern Highlands antiques fair - wanker. Dusty and wrinkled at the grand-kid's soccer - codger.
(Caution: Oilskin coat + loose speedos + exposed testicle + kid's soccer game = $3,000 fine and a life ban.)
Baggy denim jeans with a dot-of-shame - codger. Pre-ripped $150 fashion jeans - style tragic.
Is that egg in your beard? Codger!
Who cares that the damp spots on the ratty Dunlop Volleys indicate a lack of bladder pressure?
Harry Highpants. You can see my belly button? My fly is undone.
Paunch not porch - the 'verandah over the playground' allusion doesn't wash when the 'playground' has obviously been neglected for some time and the verandah is sagging over the flaccid, abandoned bouncy castle.
Underwear? Optional, but it's dangerous when not worn with shorts. Have you ever trodden on your own scrotum?
Hair styles. Nothing says care-free aging funster like furry ear lobes.
Facial hair. Non gender-specific.
Fun for a time-on-his-hands codger is annoying the bejeezes out of the screen-obsessed acolytes of the personal brand and the selfie - the younger generations. Their screen obsession is a symptom of that well known phenomena - FOMO. Fear of missing out.
And if there's one thing that really pisses off the Gen Xers (Yers are a bit more laid back) it is the knowledge that they have missed out. And they have missed out. Big time. They missed out on our music, they missed out on our freedom, they missed out on our cheap grow your own weed, they missed out on our carefree shagging. They missed out on the entire nanny state-free vibe. As a consequence they are resentful. Bwahahahaha!
Xers are materialistic, they're career-driven, they're status obsessed and entitled - they're a generational representation of what we disdained. They are The Man. They are the mortgaged to the eyeballs, MacMansion-dwelling, SUV-driving purse-lipped finger-waggers and conformists who think that the world can't function without them. Anti-Boomers in a Beemer 7 series. They are a target for the amusement of we geezers.
Stationary at a green light to adjust the car radio - that's me.
Pulling into an empty servo to the first pump - that's me too.
Paying for purchases in small change? Hi!
Who's that old fart ahead of you waving through several vehicles at the intersection?
Waiting for me to vacate this parking space? I'll just double check my cash register docket.
I'm going to justify the wait in that long queue by entertaining the fetus serving behind the counter with several unsolicited anecdotes about the good old days.
I will adjust my genitals in public, i will squeeze the avocados, i will pee on the seat. And the floor. I will do 3 laps of the roundabout. I will fart at the movies. I will start the lawnmower at 6:00 a.m. on Saturdays. I will lick the cheese sample and place it back on the plate. I will open the freezer door before making a decision, I will clear phlegm in crowded elevators, I will recommend a particular chocolate to someone's small child while in the check-out line, I will rearrange the furniture in public places and then keep walking, I will go to the most crowded spot on the beach to scatter my left-over chips for the seagulls, I will go into the gym with a cigarette in my face to ask a buffed fitness freak for a light,.
I will, in short, go the full geezer.
Got home after driving down for bread and milk.
Had put the milk on the floor of the car on the passenger side.
On the drive back the milk bottle had slid over out of reach from the driver's seat.
I drove round the block taking the corners at a brisk pace to get the bottle to slide back within reach rather than get out and walk around the car to retrieve it.
I scribbled my PIN onto my local ATM. No one knows it's mine.
If you suffer from hypochondria does that mean you really are sick?
Brandyourself.com says my reputation score is "poor". That's some scarily efficient software.
Perusing the low fat, gluten fee, nut free, natural ingredients on offer down at the local cafe -
Me: "Do you serve anything fatty?"
Cafe proprietor: "Your money's as good as anybody else's, luv."
When driving in fog do you too lean forward?
Jumped in the car, depressed the clutch to do up my seat belt.