It's 2026. Is he dead yet?

Previous hopes of Umber One's imminent demise were dashed. Maybe this year...

Perhaps his coffin could be adorned with his FIFA Peace Prize - provided the lights aren't too strong and melt the chocolate.

What will the obituaries cover when it finally happens?

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De mortuis nil nisi bonum dicendum est - of the dead nothing but good is to be said. It is inappropriate for the living to speak ill of the dead who cannot defend or justify themselves.

If thus applied to Donny the eulogies will be mercifully short.

Trump of course respects no such niceties. He possesses neither sympathy nor empathy. He cannot even pretend. When misfortune is visited upon a trumpophobe he delights in their torment, joking about the hammer attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband for instance. Upon his own eventual demise, amidst the celebrating and the removal of all of that faux gold tat, he'll deserve nothing but contempt. Consider his response to the murder of Rob and Michele Reiner:

The nastiness supplements his narcissism and avarice, the foundational flaws of the effluvia of personality defects that congealed to form this orange-stuccoed vulgarian. Flavoured with malice, coloured with carnality, fulfilled via criminality but every atrocity and every failing is subsumed within his flatulent, bloviating yet fragile self-regard and his bottomless avarice.

An absurd, discoloured objet d'ridicule, petty, petulant, vindictive, vituperative, crude, stupid, an autofellating gobshite, a thin-skinned, bloviating, self-congratulatory fabulist who is readily manipulated by flattery and from whom loyalty is demanded but never returned. Truth is entirely dispensable, facts are irrelevant - if Covid deaths are not counted then there is no pandemic ("If we stopped testing we'd have fewer cases"), if the data is not collected climate change is not happening. Alice in Wonderland.

A megalomaniac with delusions of omnipotence, though his needy, whiny omnipresence is more than real in daily tirades on his shitter-Twitter app, in his catalogue of trashy, gold-themed merch, his Trump-branded baubles and tawdry monuments to himself, in daily headlines of his latest outrages and soon on $1 coins that are planned to feature his image. It manifests in his insertion of himself and his insecurities into every issue from befouling the John F. Kennedy Center with his own name to bragging to a young child from Pennsylvania on a staged PR Christmas call - "Pennsylvania is great, we won Pennsylvania, actually three times. We won it a landslide".

He has announced that the US will commission a new series of heavily armed Navy "battleships" to be named after himself.

“...I have approved a plan for the Navy to begin the construction of two brand new very large, the largest we’ve ever built... and, uh, there’s never been anything like these ships...they’ll be the fastest, the biggest, and by far, one hundred times more powerful than any battleship ever built. if you take the biggest one, it’s one hundred times more powerful, uhhhhh - they’re longer... and they’re bigger, they’re bigger ships...they hold much more- they use the word ‘lethality.’”

The proposed ships are, a former rear admiral said, “focused on the president’s visual that a battleship is a cool-looking ship”. In an artist's illustration the vessel sports an image of Trump on its upper deck.

A solipsist, he has no ideology beyond the self. There is no cause other than Trump. His life is an endless pursuit of applause and acknowledgement of his specialness. Not even the office of POTUS assuages his neediness. He claims criticism of him is treason.

The world is familiar with the hubristic jingoism of many Americans but Trump dials the rodomontade to 11. The tiresome, incessant, self-aggrandising bombast - referencing an MRI he boasted that a doctor said it was “the best result he has ever seen”. A gobshite whose braggadocio is mistaken for achievement by the MAGA rubes or excused as showmanship by his fluffers and appeasers. A sideshow spruiker in the role of leading man, a narcissist who prefers theatrics and the spotlight to the demands of real accomplishments.

The rancid stench of corruption is now out in the open, even celebrated, whether it's his personal grift, expansion of executive power or the perversion of institutions from a compromised SCOTUS and DoJ through to the adulteration of the conscience of the nation.

Not so much a presidency as a shakedown:

Pay to play - $1 billion extorted from oil companies to cut regulations and their taxes, hundreds of millions in pro bono work from law firms in exchange for access to government contracts, subjugating the media through lawsuits that they cowardly settle for $millions and standover tactics for a cut of the action with Intel, Nvidia and AMD¹.

Trump withdrew US security guarantees with allies, replaced by the payment of protection money.

Trump pardons cronies who boost his crypto coin.

Trump invests in corporations that he's supposed to be regulating.

Trump cuts deals with autocrats to advance his family's real estate business.

Selling citizenship in the form of ‘Trump Gold Cards’. "Everything in the US is for sale to the wealthy, friend or foe. Citizenship, work visas, security guarantees, key industries, advanced military capabilities, AI and sensitive tech. For the right price, anyone can have whatever they want.²"

There is no decency he has left unoffended.

His default setting is unconstrained, promiscuous flouting of proprieties. Rules are for suckers.

He is impulsively nasty to women and is a serial sexual assailant.

He fetishizes revenge and violence.

He uses the machinery of government to license his crimes and persecute his opponents. He has declared a concept, Antifa, a “terrorist” organisation to supress lawful protest and quash dissent.

"Merry Christmas to all, including the Radical Left Scum that is doing everything possible to destroy our Country, but are failing badly."

Trump's opening lines to his Christmas message 2025

"Papers please!" Americans' right to move freely without proving their legitimacy to the state has been removed. ICE agents may stop individuals based on “reasonable suspicion” (i.e. their dusky shade) and detain them to verify their immigration status.

The White House has demanded the ICC alter its founding document, the Rome Statute, to ensure blanket immunity for Trump and other top officials thereby acknowledging genuine legal vulnerability.

Trump's pathetic, fruitless whimpering for Nobel Prize recognition is a greater humiliation for him than the supposed affront of a black president being so honoured. This is possibly the most apt metaphor for his sorry character and dysfunctional achievements.

Trump by the numbers

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30,000+ documented lies by the end of his first term

$355 million in civil judgments

78 Mar-a-Lago health violations for rust, mould and parasites

34 felony convictions

6 bankruptcies

5 draft deferments

4 indictments

3 wives

2 impeachments

1 insurrection

0 Nobel Peace Prizes

Trump's fines & settlements over the years...

1988: $750K Anti-trust lawsuit Bally

1990: $750K Defamation for accurately predicting Trump Taj Mahal would fail

1991: $200K Removing black workers from casino floor

1991: $30K Circumventing state regulations

1998: $1.4M Hiring of undocumented workers

1998: $447K Money laundering violations 2000: $250K NYS Lobby Commission

2006: $100K Palm Beach flag ordinance

2015: $799K Defamation Trump University Student 2015: $10M Money laundering violations

2016: $50K Data & credit card breaches

2016: $1.3M FEC disclosure errors

2017: $25M: Trump University fraud 2019: $2M: Trump Foundation fraud

2019: $290K: Scotland wind farm

2021: $122M: Trump campaign forced to refund to donors

2022: $110K: Contempt of Court

2022: $750K: Funneling Inaugural funds to his business

2022: $1.6M Guilty 17 counts criminal tax fraud

2023: CFO sentenced to prison

2023: $10K for attacking court personnel

2023: $1M Court sanctions bogus lawsuit including $171K to be paid to Hillary

2023: $5M E Jean Carroll sexual assault

2024: $83.3M E Jean Carroll defamation

2024: $392K Court sanctions bogus lawsuit- NY Times

2024: $453M business fraud

Trump's lackies...

Trump's Chief Strategist Steve Bannon - Convicted Felon

Trump's Trade Adviser Peter Navarro - Convicted Felon

Trump's Campaign Adviser Roger Stone - Convicted Felon

Trump's National Security Advisor Michael Flynn - Convicted Felon

Trump's Company CFO Allen Weisselberg - Convicted Felon

Trump's Campaign Chair Paul Manafort - Convicted Felon

Trump's Deputy Campaign Chair Rick Gates - Convicted Felon

Trump's Personal Lawyer Michael Cohen - Convicted Felon

The Trump regime has employed over 30 people who have worked for a TV station that was fined $787 million for lying to its viewers.

Trump has fired…

The Navy Chief of Staff

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs

The Head of the Navy Seals

The Naval Operations Chief

The US Navy Reserve Chief

The Head of the US Cyber Command

The Head of Defense Intelligence

The Coast Guard Commandant

The Air Force Chief of Staff

The Air Force Vice Chief of Staff

The top of AF Global Strike Command

The top legal officer of the Air Force

The top legal officer of the Army

The top legal officer of the Navy

The top legal official of the CIA

If he intends to launch another coup attempt at the mid-terms or in 2028, or formally ally with Russia, he can't have a principled military standing in his way. (As a practicing coward the only wars he's been active in as Commander In Chief are conflicts of interest.)

The Pedo files

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A creepy uncle, a changing room lurker, a grabber of pussies, possibly even his daughter's so keep a puke bag handy, because yes, that is a bit of sick you will taste in the back of your mouth - "Aides said Trump talked about Ivanka Trump's breasts, her backside & what it might be like to have sex with her, remarks that once led (former Chief of Staff) John Kelly to remind the president that Ivanka was his daughter.³" .

He once said of a child he saw on an escalator "I'm going to be dating her in 10 years".

A close confidante to a pedo sex trafficker, a facilitator who fulfils the role of "friend", Jeffrey Epstein told the journalist Michael Wolff that he was Trump’s closest friend for ten years.

"The only photos you ever see of Donald Trump where he is authentically smiling in the presence of another human being, is with Jeffrey Epstein."

David Frum @thebulwark.com

The Christian shtick

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The applauding of the persecution of asylum seekers during Christmas is the quintessence of the evangelical MAGA's selective application of their Christian values. Masked ICE goons disappearing people from the streets because of their middle eastern skin tones and shipping them to Salvadoran gulags is likely not endorsed by their lord and saviour - as Nordic looking as he may be. This does however explain how these self-righteous hypocrites can look at Donald Trump and see a man on a mission from God.

Trump knows an easy mark when he sees one so he's all on board the Jesus train when the cameras are rolling.

He was once asked what Bible verse most informed his character. He responded with “an eye for an eye.”

The charisma of Donald J. Trump

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Grandpa Highpants McTinyhands. This is MAGA's golden god.

The facial aesthetic of a composted jack-o-lantern topped by a threadbare, tortuously coiffed merkin, the chin minge, the cankles, the flatulent narcolepsy, the overflowing Depends with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, his puckered sphincter pout accompanied by invisible accordion hands and rudimentary oratory comprised of a slurry of random words and lies and with "no discernible taste - in food, clothes, architecture, books, music, business or people⁴".

His is a regime characterised by kitsch, ostentation and vulgarity be it gilded tat disfiguring the Oval Office, bloated Mar-a-Lago face of the botoxed Strumpets or the fireworks and merch at Erika Kirk's memorial for her recently dead husband.

Gibberish and magical thinking

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The appalling imbecility of a lissencephalic dullard - a self-professed genius who confuses a dementia screening with an IQ test. He thought American stealth bombers were literally invisible, being perplexed at how technicians could then work on them. Hannibal Lector is an actual person in Trump's atrophied brain, wet magnets don't work, California's water flows down from Canada because, you know...gravity, windmills cause cancer and he has a buffoonish insistence that 600% reductions in prices are a feasible thing and that tariffs are paid by foreigners.

"An old fashioned term that we use -- groceries. I used it on the campaign. It's such an old fashioned term, but a beautiful term. Groceries. It says a bag with different things in it".

He is insulated from reality by self-absorption, obsequious flunkies and creeping dementia.

"Nobody explain to me how allowing millions of people from places unknown, from countries unknown, who don’t speak languages—we have languages coming into our country, we have nobody that even speaks those languages. They are truly foreign languages. Nobody speaks them."

Trump, 29th February 2025, in a speech in Eagle Pass, Texas

"I took cognitive tests. By the way, not easy. The first question is like what is this and they show a lion, giraffe, fish and a hippopotamus. And they say which is the giraffe."

Trump, 20th December 2025, North Carolina

'Decisions of great consequence are made on the whims of a moron.'

Surrounded by ballbag gargling sycophants he has no friends - only fawners, spongers and wannabes and the techno-libertarian parasites Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg and Vivek Ramaswamy, and Fox News et al who all are America's Ferdinand Porsche, Hugo Boss, Bayer, Deutsche Bank, IG Farben and Krupp - profiteering from totalitarianism.

All the king's whores and all the king's men

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When assigning administration positions Trumpty Numpty applied a cynical role inversion - defence is war, environmental protection is to be environmental exploitation, education is book banning, communication is censorship, free speech is forbidding terms⁴ such as gay, transgender and climate change, vaccines are a health threat and justice is pardoning insurrectionists, narco kingpins, donors, confreres and seven Republican congressmen who'd been convicted of crimes.

“President Trump has assembled the most talented and capable cabinet in American history,”

White House spokesperson Abigail Jackson

A representative sample of the talent he has deployed:

A former professional wrestling CEO as secretary of education who dismantled the Department of Education.

A long-time climate science denier in charge at the EPA.

An overt Russian asset as director of national intelligence (known as Наша девчонка by her Russian handlers).

There's ICE Barbie Kristi Noem whose audition for secretary of homeland security was shooting her puppy in the head and there's Pete Hegseth, the pisspot former Fox News commentator, noted Signal abuser and accused rapist as secretary of defence/war because "looking the part matters more than being qualified for it because in America it does."⁵

Kash Patel, a goggle-eyed, out-of-his-depth conspiracy theorist as FBI director whose default 'uh-oh' facial expression suggests one of his anal beads has just dislodged. He purged the FBI of agents who'd been assigned to work J6 cases and he has a girlfriend who sings at wrestling matches.

The law & order triumvirate for 'truth, justice and the American way':

AG Pam Bondi and deputy AG Todd Blanche - the leading law officers of the land who will be seeking a presidential pardon from their orange overlord lest with a post-GOP Congress they both find themselves in jumpsuits colour-coordinated with spray on Trump-o-Tan.

Then there's J. Edgar Doofus, who had he not been appointed head of the FBI would be getting chased down the street by ICE goons given his dusky tone.

A wildlife necrophile with a head that was retrieved at a graverobber's closing down sale. A vax contrarian/health secretary who has taken the Kennedy family's legacy of infidelities and successive tragedies on an unexpected tangent with beheaded whales, dead bear cub feng shui and cringe erotica (“Yr open mouth awaiting my harvest,...”).

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The Kennedy mystique could accommodate prolific philandering, "Happy Birthday, Mr. President", JFK-RFK-Marilyn Monroe, Chappaquiddick, a secret, botched lobotomy, Judith Campbell and the Chicago mafia, an affair with a young babysitter, and even a rape case.

It took RFK Jnr's Trumpification and vax quackery to burst the Camelot bubble.

Nosferatu McGoebbles⁴. While Trump golfs, grifts, browses Despot Depot magazine for décor ideas, rage tweets and fantasises about pre-teen girls it's this guy who is running the country.

Take one Peter Dutton, marinate in shattered hopes and dreams, simmer in the juice of Rasputin, stir in essence of Uriah Heep, add a dash of Himmler, sprinkle with Roy Cohn's ashes, some phlegm and a scrape of under-shoe accumulations and allow to fester in a discarded colostomy bag and you have White House policy director Stephen Miller.

Stephen Miller got into politics because his arms were too weak to strangle prostitutes - internet meme.

Stephen King could not have invented such a malodorous personification of evil.

Hat tip to the parents of Department of Homeland Security’s acting chief security officer who named their daughter Iwona B. Horyn. Yes, that is her real name.

The Trump legacy

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America has blown 80 years of accumulated goodwill and trust among its allies. America’s former role is gone.

America will never be trusted again because when he's dead there'll still be enough Americans to vote in someone just like him. After experiencing how appalling he was in his first term they voted for him again.

A fawning lickspittle to murderous despots he alienates allies and empowers enemies. Should there be another major terrorist attack on U.S. soil the participation of any "coalition of the willing" in seeking retribution will be grudging at best.

The U.S. has jeopardised its own security. Who amongst its current allies will share intel that is subject to being disclosed to Putin? Who will want to be BFF with a Kremlin stooge?

Trump has alienated Canada and Mexico, threatened the U.N., Greenland and Denmark, Panama and Venezuela, insulted NATO, Europe generally and demeaned Volodymyr Zelenskyy specifically and annoyed Japan while he curtsies to Putin and accommodates China, the biggest threat to Australia's security. The U.S. interferes in its allies’ domestic affairs, encouraging the far-right and undermining Western countries' sovereignty - the Trump administration sanctioned several European officials after Elon Musk was fined for violations of their Digital Services Act.

Trump has withdrawn from WHO, UNESCO and the UNHRC and slashed funding of USAID. He withdrew from the Paris Agreement because "America First!"... the USA apparently enjoying its own separable climate.

The U.S. is developing global pariah status. "An authoritarian regime that tries to jail its critics, kidnap citizens off the streets, commit extra-judicial killings and war crimes, demand the media prevent criticism of the Dear Leader and call for the execution of political opponents.⁸"

'Under Trump the U.S, is not the envy of the world, it's a warning.'

Rather than the gaudy pretension of Trump's ballroom, designed in Las Vegas bordello style, or his proposed grandiose triumphal arch his passing should be marked instead by merch outlets at his funeral service and a strong smell of ammonia on his headstone.

“Jesse, it’s a monument. I’m building a monument to myself because no one else will.”

Trump to Jesse Watters of Fox News on his hideous White House ballroom.

*****

When he's finally despatched to the clunge country club in the sky, dribbling, shitting and gibbering the event will be marked by fawning hagiographies from distraught cultists whose bile, post mortem, will go without the imprimatur of their pumpkin-coloured vessel of God. The canonisation of Charlie Kirk (no pun intended) will look tasteful in comparison to the coming extravaganzas of mercantiled grief when Donny pops his clogs.

Corporate media will seek balance - sure, he was a total douche but he was the guy who dreamed up Gaza Golf Resorts and Spas Inc and who thought outside the box (nuking hurricanes, waterbombing Notre Dame anybody?).

Heads of state will issue polite lamentations, carefully crafted to avoid any celebratory tone. There may be back-handed compliments - 'he weaned us off assuming the U.S. was reliable', but not in those exact words :) History will be far less equivocal.

Toadies and arse kissers will wash off the orange, claiming to have been part of the resistance from the beginning or, in Trumpian style, seek to make a quid from his corpse via "tell all" books that paint themselves in the best light. Perhaps Melania will go commando at the wake in anticipation of a consoling hug from a hunky Secret Service agent.

But the streets will fill with cheering crowds. Strangers will embrace. Tears of joy will flow. Bars will fill with revellers. Sadly El Cheeto wont be around to see it.

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¹Politico. Donald Trump, the shakedown president

²Ron Filipkowski, editor-in-chief of MeidasTouch Network

³Blowback, Miles Taylor, a former chief of staff of the Department for Homeland Security.

⁴ Vince Mancini titled "A Timeline of Donald Trump Discovering the Word 'Groceries

⁵The American Blonde Bombshell. Mike Madrid

⁶Nosferatu McGoebbles - borrowed from Jeff Tiedrich

⁷ 250+ words and phrases reportedly no longer considered acceptable by the Trump administration - Pen America

⁸Bernard Keane, Crikey

References

Study Finds Trump Has The Vocabulary Of An 8-Year-Old Child. Marie Clare, 5 November 2024

"Trump’s overall score was... equivalent to the reading ability of a third-grader within the American educational system."

Matt Gurney: 'We will never fucking trust you again'

Some blunt talk for our American neighbours at the Halifax International Security Forum.

Matt Gurney, The Line, 9 December 2025

Trump's psychopathology and the suicide of a superpower

Claire Berlinski, The Cosmopolitan Globalist 26 Oct 2025 ·

"Donald Trump lives in a world of delusions. The things he believes aren’t true. Media accounts suggest that those around him treat him like a relative with dementia. They tell them whatever he likes to hear, so long as it keeps him happy and calm. They don’t correct his misapprehensions. They strive, instead, to make the world conform to his fantasies."

Just What Were Donald Trump's Ties to the Mob? Politico Magazine, 22 m ay, 2016

"...Trump’s career has benefited from a decades-long and largely successful effort to limit and deflect law enforcement investigations into his dealings with top mobsters, organized crime associates, labor fixers, corrupt union leaders, con artists and even a one-time drug trafficker whom Trump retained as the head of his personal helicopter service."

New plaques on Trump’s ‘Presidential Walk of Fame’ offer pointed descriptions of predecessors.

"The White House has installed plaques along President Donald Trump’s “Presidential Walk of Fame,” offering descriptions of his predecessors, often written in the style of his social media posts — including insults, baseless claims and random capitalization."

Alejandra Jaramillo, Kit Maher. CNN 18/12/25

What Trump offers is an easy escape from the pain. To every complex problem, he promises a simple solution. He can bring jobs back simply by punishing offshoring companies into submission. As he told a New Hampshire crowd—folks all too familiar with the opioid scourge—he can cure the addiction epidemic by building a Mexican wall and keeping the cartels out. He will spare the United States from humiliation and military defeat with indiscriminate bombing. It doesn’t matter that no credible military leader has endorsed his plan. He never offers details for how these plans will work, because he can’t. Trump’s promises are the needle in America’s collective vein... He makes some feel better for a bit. But he cannot fix what ails them, and one day they’ll realize it.

JD Vance, Opioid of the Masses, The Atlantic 2016

This is the guy who denigrates the US military saluting a North Korean general.