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Is it possible to feel sympathy for Smirko?

Yeah, nah!

Not a psycho


Spud pulling the wings off butterflies - "I think I will, I think I won't...". You've got to feel for der Gruppenfritter. Well, no you don't - the bloke's what an arsehole would be if arseholes had an arsehole, or in kinder parlance he's a fully cooked unit, so rather let's just have a chuckle at his dilemma - will he deploy an IED or will he hold off hoping Scooter goes full Campbell Newman.

Spud can smell the blood in the water. Herr Shickletuber is no doubt delighted at Scooter's travails; according to Bob Carr going so far as chucking a grenade down the hallway in the form of a public airing of a scathing text assessment of Scooter's character as a “fraud” and “complete psycho”. The potato wedge (someone had to say it).

Usually immune to embarrassment Scooter's rapid-fire eyeblinks semaphored his discomfort at the National Press Club when publicly confronted with such an accusation originating from a member of his own cabinet and at his "good friend"* St Gladys's contribution to same - "a horrible, horrible person more concerned with politics than people".

*Author's note: not his good friend

I can imagine Spud's excitement at these public humiliations of his foe - a facial tic, a slight flaring of the nostrils. If he possessed eyebrows perhaps he may have lifted one as another indication of his arousal. I'd never given any thought before to the notion of synchronised boners with Spud but in watching the opprobrium build on Scooter I displaced my hot Milo and Scotch Finger from my lap to the carpet due to a phenomenon that's as rare as a Tory's kept promise. I felt a fleeting bond with hairless Hitler. Chubby buddies!

Scooter's messiah complex is evident in his smarmy arrogance and self-regard and his shamelessness but, like his deity, he's got a vengeful, thin skin - those barbs would've stung. Scooter is incapable of introspection and is inclined to retribution but he's powerless to act on his instincts to undermine his tuberous nemesis so as per the playbook his response was to deny and distract. A photo-op was called for.

In a desperate attempt to divert attention and recover some palatability with pissed off women in particular the self-styled marketing whizz concocted a bizarre mash-up of the shower scene from Psycho and Patrick Swayze's reach around on Demi Moore in Ghost by washing an innocent woman's hair.

Image: Some clever clogs on Twitter

Creepy yet hilarious; fondling an unknown woman's head was Morrison's attempt to offset his misogynist reputation FFS! Touchy pervy with the vibe of a subliminal baptism - surely a sign this bloke cannot read a room or that some in his inner-circle of image wranglers hate him. Perhaps both.

In watching the unravelling of the Tories as a whole and Morrison's smirkathon in particular one is inclined to optimism that this unapologetically corrupt and shambolic regime is shortly to be assigned one-way tickets to Dignitas. The opinion polls are promising, independents are threatening once blue ribbon seats, their fuck-ups are affecting the politically disengaged and internal warfare is rife.

Tory cheersquadders Janet Albrechtson from Murdoch's Daily Riefenstahl and the oleagenous Andrew Bolt on Melbourne's Hun have both voided on Scooter. The scrotum squeezed through a shirt collar that is Rupert Murdoch does not like backing losers. Likely there'll be Scomo+Jen hagiographies scheduled for regular release but if Murdoch's faecal finger of fate points Scooter to the exit he's in big strife.

We're in for months of the worst behaviour possible from the desperate Tories. They can and will get dirtier - the prospect of a grilling by counsel assisting with consequent spooning from Bubba on the lower bunk lends itself to fear and panic. We can abhor the coming ugliness while enjoying the thought of their collective puckered sphincters.

Scooter's god will be on speed-dial but his mendacious, genocidal deity requires careful handling. Tithing and prayer circle schmoozing of his celestial sponsor won't keep the Tubermensch at bay. In the traditional, unambiguous sign that he's circling Spud told morning TV he's "100% behind" Morrison. He would've gained new friends if instead he'd said "Scooter is my Prime Minister and I'm ambitious for him". Will there be a Spud spill? Doubtful, but the prospect is heartening.

Twitter again


When Morrison describes the aspirations of Australians, it’s like reading a Hallmark card. He never braves the harder stuff, the values a democracy depends on to function. Truth be told, I can’t work out what values excite him politically. Except winning. In some ways he’s the Liberal Party’s Kevin Rudd, only less annoying." Janet Albrechtson - The Australian


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