Holy CPAC Batman

Boy Blunder and the realisation of disappointed expectations

Angus gets burnt at CPAC

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The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is yet another example of imported Americana —this local version is an annual celebration of sanctimony and self-interest.

CPAC 2026 was a Trumpy miserere of flabby-joweled wealth fetishists, man-spreaders and those who dry their hair in a microwave oven. It did not go well for our hero.

CPAC responds to Angus's me-too pitch

CPAC Australia's mission is to "restore conservative leadership and defend the values that built this country." Conservatives lie to themselves when they presume a monopoly on reward for effort, freedom, personal responsibility and family. CPAC is a group delusion that touts a rigid interpretation of such values and derides any variation as lefty indoctrination—deploying the catchall "woke" as the go-to pejorative. As an indication of the warm, embracing tone of such events, last year’s CPAC featured speakers criticising Spud Dutton as “Labor-lite”¹.

CPAC represents the interests of anti-elite billionaires and a meritocracy that embraces royalty. They are small governmenters bitching about how government has neglected them.

Humbug, hyperbole and hypocrisy were the unspoken themes of CPAC 2026, although that was lost on organisers and attendees due to a chronic lack of self-awareness. The touted purpose was to bring together the three main right-wing parties. Their shared mission is to oust the only true centre-right party—Albanese's. His is a government that is "destroying our country" by being insufficiently expedient in the devastation of the ecosphere, too indulgent of the indigenous and not at all enthusiastic about examining the genitals of participants in women's sport.

It's also a government that is too tolerant of the brownish folk. Migration has now become a Dutch auction. Racism is, of course, Hanson's foundational motivation—gutting of migration, economic consequences be damned, is her catch cry. The Boy Blunder has soiled himself morally by participating and he's taken his braggadocio and shot it in the head right there on stage. All his claims to principled leadership and sound economic management are extinguished.

“The Liberals talking about migration doesn’t create more Liberal voters, it creates more One Nation voters."

Simon Welsh, Redbridge Group

A three-way had been envisioned—not a Dirty Buchanan, neither a Rambunctious Rupert nor the violating of Leviticus*. All off the table. That should go some way to restoring your appetite. The options discussed were election preferencing strategies to be agreed between the trio of libido suppressants of Taylor, Canavan and Hanson. Private school posh twat, risible cos player and fried fish retailer.

*Thanks to the slang dictionary for its definitions of various tripartite copulatory methodologies.

Many a retrogressive luminary was in attendance. There was Liz Truss, a suitable portent of gloom to fit in with the doomer vibe, the cockroach of the UK Tory nuclear apocalypse basking in the after-glow of her record 49 days in office.

Drunkerby, of course, the puce, priapic Yosemite Sam from New England—with the face of an interrupted sneeze launching one of his apoplectic, digressive tirades. Something about wind turbines being a plot to slow the earth's rotation or some such.

Token minority Jacinta Name-ya Price, supporter of the disenfranchised poor, party-hopper, would-be PM and Qantas Chairman's Lounge habitué enjoyed the endangered species canapes and Châteauneuf-du-Pape.

Over there—it's Barclay McGain, expired toolie, whose very name evokes an image of "entitled, uppity little prick", who is now CPAC Brand Relations Manager no less—"with a talent for digital engagement ...working his magic at the Freedom and Hope Gala Dinner".

But, I digress. Back to the headline acts.

Sooty Canavan in his hi-vis prosthetic personality (coal miner cos play at Brisbane's swish Royal International Convention Centre FFS!) was as authentic as ever—a coal scuttle in a space shuttle. No coal dust cosmetics this time, but he must think little of his audience if he believes this fancy dress charade adds to his credibility.

Karl Stefanovic interviews Sooty and the Ginger Whinger. Photograph: Russell Freeman/AAP via The Guardian

The star of the show was reportedly Pauline™, receiving a standing ovation and the rattling of loose dentures.

Hanson signed a pledge “to work together”, challenging Taylor and Canavan to follow suit. It came just hours after she’d told the conference they shouldn’t trust the Coalition.

“‎Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos.” The Joker from The Dark Knight.

Supposedly the star attraction, Taylor was the default warm-up act, booed when he dodged questions from Karl Stefanovic about why he wasn’t trying harder to work with Hanson.

"I am not a career politician …"

Squizzy Taylor. MP since 2013, former Minister now Opposition Leader and aspiring PM

Hanson put the slipper in by labelling Taylor a "smarmy management consultant" and naming Tony Bozozoic Abbott as her pick as the next Liberal leader. The Boy Blunder will likely have picked up on the old bat's signal.

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¹As reported by The Guardian.