"Dear god, make it stop!"
Be warned - if you browse this list you may not get this feculent flatulence out of your head for days.
We all know one. That guy. The one in the brown, turtle-necked skivvy and hush-puppies, who thinks Porphery Pearl qualifies as champagne, who wears socks with crocs and for who diced cheddar with cabanossi on crackers do hors d'oeuvres make. A love machine in his own mind, with a saccharine music playlist that can clear a room after the first few notes. Well, here is that playlist.
You're Having My Baby - Paul Anka. Get out the tissues ;) because this bloke must've spent so much time "indulging himself" I'm surprised he had anything left over with which to fertilise an ova.
Escape (The Piña Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes. A pre-Tinder 'Man Seeks Woman' personal ad with words that could've been drafted by a real estate agent then set to a schmaltzy tune as a jingle for a dodgy divorce lawyer. The two twats who are the subject of this tripe deserved each other.
What About Me - Moving Pictures. What about you? You needy, whiney, self-pitying pain in the arse. Get the fuck outta my shop!
Disco Duck - Rick Dees. Disco + duck = dreadful dross.
Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus. Red-neck boot-scootin'. Leave your guns and your good taste at the door.
The Girl Is Mine - Paul MCartney, Michael Jackson. Oh dear. Macca, this (and Wings) just confirms that John was indeed the real talent in The Beatles. Jacko we can forgive cos he was nuts.
Sussudio - Phil Collins. Just when we thought Phil Collins could not possibly get any more trite and boring he comes out with this throbbing, over-wrought shite.
Lady In Red - Chris de Burgh. A dirge that would make funeral mourners want to join any deceased in her red velvet-lined coffin.
Rasputin - Boney M. I once spent a week in Vanuatu where the hotel house band's entire set was made up of Boney M numbers. A Vanuatuan past-time is land-diving - jumping headfirst into the ground from tall wooden towers. Now I know why.
Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go) - Wham. Big hair topping white t-shirts and even whiter teeth. Teeny-bopper triteness that makes the Bay City Rollers look edgy.
Luka - Suzanne Vega. A folkie song about child abuse. Top that Country and Western!
Seasons In The Sun - Terry Jacks. Terry Jacks hit number one around the world with this and then retired from music. Thanks Terry.
I Write the Songs - Barry Manilow. How does Bazza manage to write his songs with his head so far up his own arse?
Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill. Dan Hill wrote this for a girl he fancied. He played it to her over the phone after which she left town with a football player and moved to North Carolina. She may be there still; leading a happy life albeit without access to any song royalties.
Reunited - Peaches & Herb. Jeebers - if they ever re-unite I'm leaving town.
Billy, Don't Be a Hero- Paper Lace. The American Civil War has been the inspiration for great literature, and music such as The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down. And yet we have this.
Long Haired Lover From Liverpool - Little Jimmy Osmond. One of those rare examples of child abuse where the abuse is committed by the child. Lock him up!
Save Your Kisses for Me - Brotherhood of Man. Yet another reason to close down Eurovision.
Anything by Bucks Fizz. Eurovision has a lot to answer for. A celebration of outrageous kitsch and justification for removing Europe from the grid.
Don't Give Up On Us - David Soul. Proof positive that it is possible to laugh and projectile vomit simultaneously.
I've Never Been To Me - Charlene. "I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring...". Subtle whoring? Hmmmm....perhaps some explanatory detail could've saved this execrable self-indulgence from its tedious introspection.
Boogie Oogie Oogie - A Taste of Honey. Boogie oogie oogie doesn't taste like honey. So I'm told.
Honey - Bobby Goldsboro. Have the insulin on stand-by.
Tell Laura I Love Her - Ray Peterson. Tell her yourself. Twat!
These dreadful ditties have their use. Ever hosted a party where the guests won't take a hint and leave? This is your solution.
What doesn't make the list and why
Any list of the worst songs ever is as contentious as any list of the best songs ever. There are any number of contenders - what can't be argued though is that those that are incriminated here have earned their place.
What i have excluded are:
So crap that they're good. Some bad songs have listening value because they're catchy, purposely taking the mickey or just because they're an icon of tackiness.
Yoko Ono. No one anywhere listens to Yoko hence she's excluded.
The occasional dodgy lyric:
Hotel California (wine is not a spirit, guys, it's fermented not distilled),
"Tonight there's going to be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town" - Thin Lizzy. Hint - head to the jail,
"I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps" Not a lot of effort there, George,
"There were plants and birds and rocks and things" OK, it's the desert, there's not much out there. Including rhymes.
Tongue-in-cheek dreadfulness - I'm Too Sexy, U Can't Touch This etc.
The occasional shocker from otherwise great artists e.g. Yellow Submarine.
Obscure rubbish. The "worst ever" tag requires song recognition. You can't cringe if you've never heard it.
What contenders for coprophagia have I missed?
Some entries that have been submitted by email in response to this post.
Brandy (You're A Fine Girl) - Looking Glass. The sailors say: "Brandy, you're a fine girl". I don't know about you but I would never take an endorsement from sailors as satisfying the requirements for fine girl status.
Muskrat Love - Captain & Tennille. Voyeuristic, anthropomorphic and ever so slightly pornographic. America did a cover of this bollocks, further cementing their reputation as a cheesy rip-off of The Eagles. (Although I do like Sister Golden Hair and Horse With No Name).
Una palomo blanca - George Baker Selection. This'll get you bopping to the beat as you back out of the room and flag down a cab.
I'd Really Love To See You Tonight - England Dan and John Ford Coley. Sorry fellas, no can do. I have to get my teeth filed.
Watchin' Scottie Grow - Bobby Goldsboro. Look, in the bushes near the kiddy swings - is that Bobby Goldsboro?
Rose Garden – Lynn Anderson. "I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden, along with the sunshine there's gotta be a little rain some time". I don't want a rose garden, nor do I want this fekking aural drizzle.
Band of Gold – Freda Payne. This abominable ear-worm should never be played if there are sharp objects about. In fact, it should never be played. Ever.
Patches – Clarence Carter. This is what happens when a black guy tries to one-up Country & Western's mawkish lyrics. Stick to the Blues, Clarence.
Precious & Few – Climax. Precious? Not so much. Few? Thanks be.
Jeans On – David Dundas. This tragic number appealed to those also-rans who had creases ironed into their jeans by their mum.
Torn between Two Lovers - Mary MacGregor. Ever heard of threesomes you gormless dullard?
Thank you AMK, thank you John, thank you Mike.
Best Songs. Nifty Fifty Part 1
Nifty Fifty Part 2
Old Favourites. Funky but forgotten
Kitsch List. 21 songs so crap they were good