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2019 Loogy Awards for Excellence in Feculence

December 12, 2019

2019 is coming to a flaming close swathed in smoke and ash, a suitable allegory for this past year in politics and a harbinger of our future. While the east coast burns, homes and lives are destroyed, wildlife is exterminated and entire ecosystems are endangered across an area the size of the UK the Liberal/National Party kakocracy responds by expunging the term "climate change" from the government vocabulary and pretends that nothing untoward is happening. And conversely but less overtly, they whisper between themselves that it is a sign of the pending Armageddon.

 

The explanations for their odious behaviour can only be:

 

1. The coalition is in the pocket of the rapacious mining lobby, and/or

 

2. They believe this is god's will. A wan, pink sun filtering through thick, yellow palls of drifting smoke, sheets of flame, blackened homes, charred landscapes and the screams of incinerating animals are signs of the end times. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and notable day of the Lord.” – Acts 2:20.

 

While their messaging is contradictatory (business as usual vs devine obliteration) these 2 excuses are not mutually exclusive - they are symbiotic. They allow the grifters and the religious nutters to co-exist in the same body - be it party or persona. Monetising the environment can help fund the comfortable lifestyles that the righteous types believe is their due while awaiting the rapture; in return the end-of-times beliefs of these collander-hatted wing-nuts gives licence to the environment rapers to plunder at will. Win-win.

 

The Loogy Awards have been initiated to recognise the political mucus and nose pickers who've done the most to ensure that members of parliament are regarded with the same level of respect and trust afforded to pimps, phone scammers, card sharps, porn show spruikers and bank executives. The Loogys lob a gobby in their direction. 

The Gold Loogy

 

Due to their unstinting efforts to enrich themselves and their pals while fucking our environment the entire L/NP are the joint winners of the inaugural Gold Loogy

 

They have treated our precious water, the source of all life, as a commodity to be sold to the highest bidder and to mining interests who ship their profits to offshore tax havens. 

 

They have approved massive land clearing, logging of old growth forests and have targeted the magificent Murray River Red Gums for harvesting as vast swathes of bush are charred to blackened skeletons. Our trees, carbon sinks and producers of oxygen, are being neglected and willfully destroyed.

 

The creeping death of the Great Barrier Reef, the extinction of species including the iconic koala are of no concern to them. 

 

They distract, dissemble, obfuscate and dodge accountability. They offer thoughts and prayers FFS as Australia gets ranked 57th on the 2020 Climate Change Performance Index. 

 

They are risable, contemptible criminals whose deliberate vandalism deserves appropriate recognition.

 

(A late withdrawal from contention is NSW Environment Minister Matt Kean whose acknowledgement of climate change as a contributing factor to the wildfires will no doubt be subject to retribution from the rest of the L/NP criminal cartel.)

 

The Yellow Loogy

 

The Labor Party has nominated itself for a Loogy through the complicity of Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk, Albo and member for the Hunter, Joel Fitzgibbon. No long term vision ala Whitlam, Hawke and Keating, no eloquent proposal for transitioning away from fossil fuels, no exposure of the Tory's malfeasance. They've meekly surrendered to the wedge and the dog whistle of coal mining and left otherwise loyal voters like me in WTF confusion and with a likely defection to The Greens as a desperate attempt to get the message through their blinkered short-termism.

 

The Green Loogy

 

The Greens attack Labor instead of the L/NP climate criminals. Dick Di Natale, the Black Wiggle, forges ahead with his ambition to replace Labor as the major party of the left, dividing opposition to the environmental vandals. The Tories are delighted. 

 

Individual Awards

 

Expectorant Of The Year. Despite the rigorous competition from a toffee bus load of leaded petrol sniffers there was one clear winner. Smoko, Schmo, SloMo, FauxMo, StuntMo, Nero, the Liar from the Shire, Skiddy - he's left his mark. On politics and on Engadine Maccas.

 

Armageddonist, Mammonite, theocrat, megolamaniac, spiv, shonk, treacherous political assassin, humbug, gobshite, racketeer, urger, failed marketeer, spruiker, snake, crony - the man has spread his devious talents across all of politics to ensure Australia's continued decline in all measures of all things decent and worthwhile. An oustanding effort by an utterly wretched bastard.

 

The Silver Spittoon. The winner wishes to remain anonymous so that he can continue his behind the scenes work untroubled by scrutiny.

 

"Doctor LeNumbers" has mastered the dark arts of manipulating data, self-enrichment, monetising of our water and poisoning of our native vegetation. Dr LeNumbers was nominated for the Loogy by "a farmer from Yass" in a back-dated e.mail originating from his own office but he was a walk-up for the award regardless.

 

Weatherboard Nine laminated PowerPoint cerificate for wanton idiocy. Rather than fade into obscurity to focus on his upcoming, somewhat risqué book on his sexual exploits (Sticking To Barnaby) the purple-headed member from New England, Barnyard Juice, has been popping up to pontificate on the issues du jour as a reminder to Bobblehead McCormack that he's not going away. It's rumoured that Bobblehead is drafting his own book "Fifty Shades Of Beige" as a counter-measure.

 

Full Mental Straightjacket - Craig Kelly, a lesson for all non-entities on how to raise their profiles by highlighting what complete arseholes they can be. The only value offered to the country by Kelly is that he, on his own, forms a huge, blobulous carbon sink - albeit offset by his constant emmissions of toxic gases.

 

Bearded Clam Award for Services to Adult Entertainment. The perpetually clammy, ten pin shaped Georgie Porgie Christensen's commitment to lap-dancing and S.E. Asian slum tourism gets deserved recognition. The Bearded Clam comes bundled with 500 frequent perver points.

 

Stuffed Koala. Consonant abuser Susssan Ley's services to accelerated species extinction and fracking is rewarded with a dead marsupial mounted on a bleached coral & charred Wollomi Pine base. We look forward to Susssan's eventual bodily return to the environment.

 

Dishonourable Mentions

 

Melissa Price - A face like a badly packed kebab with high high heels stopping her arse dragging along the pavement, Price has done the country a favour by being totally useless and forgettable. Price has been hidden away in the Pilabara with a jar of mayonnaise and a family pack of Mars bars.

 

Michael McWhosis? - awarded Bobblehead Of The Year, Mickey Mac, as FauxMo's Noddy In Chief, actually stated in an ABC interview that praying for rain is a part of the Fracker Party's drought policy. Fuckwittedness at a heretofore unthinkable level.

 

The Re-polished Coprolite

 

The Loogys are open to non-politicians whose notable acts of debasement have impacted the political sphere. Nominees for the Re-polished Corpolite are:

 

Mickey Wheeliebins. Being falsely fingered as a bin pal by FauxMo was not a factor in NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller's nomination. Taking out FauxMo's garbage is the AFP's responsibility - abrogated as that may be, eh Michaelia?

 

Rather, Mickey's insistence that the population should be scared into obedience and that children need to be strip searched are stand out efforts worthy of recognition. "Oh Mickey, what a pity you don't understand."

 

Barclay McGain - toffee-nosed, entitled Tory twat who is exhibiting all of the traits necessary for high office in the Libs. A real up & comer is this cloistered little munt and candidate for Cock Pocket Of The Year.

 

* * * * *

 

What stirling efforts we've seen this year. If we survive the Loogies may become an annual fixture. Can the pollies sink to even further depths of mendacity, greed and ruthlessness? I think we all know the answer to that.

“Do you think because Jesus is coming soon that the environment doesn’t matter?” I eventually ask.

 

“Alex, the Earth is going to be all burned up anyway,” my aunt says quietly. “It’s in the Bible.”

 

False Idol — Why the Christian Right Worships Donald Trump. Alex Morris, Rolling Stone.

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

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