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WTF Queensland?

January 21, 2019

Colourful racing identity, serial killer, "before" models for the advertising industry, one of those dumb-as-a-box-of-hammers TV quizz show contestants, person of interest, sex tourism guide, lab specimen, tinfoil hat tester, fish-slap dancer.

 

Any of these would be more suitable career options for the whacky, weird, bent and just plain scarey freaks that our banana-bending bretheren have imposed upon the rest of us as their federal members of parliament. 

 

That late, unlamented despotic bumpkin Joh Bjelkie-Petersen, a stereotypical bible-thumping huckster and political quack, established a template for more recent politicians from our pointy-ended northern state.

 

Queensland holds no monopoly on the grotesque, the larcenists, bandits, charlatans, rent-seekers, con-men and assorted villains that infest politics but it is by no means certain that a Sir Les Patterson or an antipodean Donald Trump would be unelectable in our northern recesses. Qld is punching above its weight in the national WTF Challenge.

 

Freakshow highlights

Escapees from the political asylum

 

Erstazkommondant Adolf Kipfler

 

Peter Spud Dutton. If there's one description that immediately raises a red flag it's "ex-copper from Queensland". Spud is a fan of dark-uniformed goon squads and the surveillance state; he finds democratic institutions an inconvenience to his planned dystopian regime of punishers and straighteners. His behaviour and his soulless, mullet-eyed features and flaccid personality suggest to me that he is one dangerously unhinged individual.

 

It's not a big leap to imagine this Reinhard Heydrich-replicant as an enthusiastic participant in a Wansee-lite Conference. Spud stands head and shoulders above all others in the Creepy As Fuck category.

 

* * * * *

Humpty Numpty

 

Clive Palmer. Porcine blatherskite, blowhard, windbag, bulbulous card sharp. Clive is a dud. 

 

With 10's of $millions in the bank Clive is free to indulge his whims such as an animatronic dinosaur park, a replica of the Titanic and his own political party. What Clive can't seem to do with all that cash is to pay his employees or creditors.

 

This globoid remnant of the Bjelkie-Perterson glory days of white-shod carpet baggers seems to believe that he is perceived as some sort of cheerful, loveable funster. But despite his beachball-like configuration the public can see straight through him and his greedy self-interest. 

 

Clive is pissing into a very stiff wind with his latest campaign to re-enter the Senate. That yellow-themed propaganda of his seems cryptically appropriate.

 

* * * * *

Witch Hazel 

 

Pauline Hanson. The standard bearer and grievance-monger for every disaffected, fringe-dwelling conservatively inclined grudge bearer who is disinclined to give her 

peurile panaceas too much scrutiny. 

 

An underdog with a property portfolio, a battler with a healthy parliamentary pension, she stuggles along on $6 million of public funding. Her comfortable lifestyle is camouflaged with a nasally whine and an indignant victimhood. She's tapped into a formula that has attracted a conga-line of eccentric candidates, inspired a blossoming of personal-brand politics (Palmer United Party, Nick Xenophon Team, Jacqui Lambie Network, Derryn Hinch's Justice Party) and a fan-base of Trump-minded deplorables.

 

Behind the inarticulant stammering and incoherent naivity she's proven cunning enough and determined enough to work the system for her own benefit.

 

* * * * *

The Living Soul

 

Malcolm 'The Living Soul' Roberts. The Germans have a suitable epithet for The Living Soul - backpfeifengesicht, a face that invites a slap

 

A batshit crazy, bug-eyed homunculus, objet d'ridicule, Hansonite weirdo and avid anti-climate change consipracy theorist. His trolley has not so much jumped the tracks as careened full speed into a tin-foil hat factory. One example of his many fruitcake qualifications is quoted from The Monthly newspaper (paywalled):

 

"In 2011, Roberts wrote an affidavit to then Prime Minister Julia Gillard — addressing her as "The Woman, Julia-Eileen: Gillard., acting as The Honourable JULIA EILEEN GILLARD" — demanding that she sign a contract exempting him from paying the carbon tax and compensation of up to $280,000 if she didn’t provide him with disclosure on 28 points, including evidence that "the Commonwealth of Australia CIK# 000805157 is not a corporation registered on the United States of America securities exchange". Roberts signed himself as "Malcolm-Ieuan: Roberts., the living soul". Roberts has used this form of sovereign citizen address since, namely in a list of acknowledgements he wrote in 2013

 

Wooooo....ooooga booooga. He would've been amusing if he hadn't been such a huge waste of tax-payers' monies.

 

* * * * *

 

Gorgeous George

 

George Christensen. An avid student of the demographics of dangerous Philippines neighbourhoods notorious for prostitution and drugs . No evidence of criminality was uncovered when questions were raised about George's frequent ten-pin shaped presence in such environs but it is understood that inquiries were inhibited because investigators could not access encrypted messages he'd sent online.

 

The perpetually clammy Georgie Porgie reported last year he'd lost a significant amount of weight after shooting off both of his own feet.

 

* * * * *

 

The Mad Katter

 

The Mad Katter - on gay crocodiles. I think.

 

 

 

Slipping through the crazy filter - honourble mentions

 

Barmy Barnaby - the dick from the sticks; the purple-headed member. Barmy gets his ideas at the same Tamworth servo where he gets his Playboy magazines and his dental work.

 

Barmy, while formally a New South Welshman, is the quinesstentially ignorant yet opinionated red-necked oik and is hence, by default, a Queensland Tory.

 

Matt King Coal Canavan - a committed envionmental vandal who's not averse to throwing his own mother under the bus for political expediency.

 

This bloke's judgement includes calling a dodgy Indian mining billionaire a 'little Aussie battler'. He thinks we are that dumb.

 

Ian Macdonald - this oxygen thief's biggest contribution to our governance was to kick up a stink about the possibility that retired politicians would lose their entitlement to a lifetime free travel pass. 

 

Fraser Anning - when you're too nasty for Pauline Hanson or Bob Katter then you truly are pond scum. This nasty grub would be elected village idiot if all of the village idiots had their own village.

 

There are flaws in our electoral system when a scumbucket like Anning can score a Senate spot with a mere 19 votes.

 

Campbell Newman - a turd in a suit is still a turd. Thankfully a single term abberation, although of monstrous proportions.

 

 

Come on Queensland - lift your game.

Related posts: 

 

Egregious arseholes - The Top Ten

 

 

 

References

 

Clive Palmer approved $170m in payments from Queensland Nickel to himself, family, documents reveal. ABC 23 Jan 2019

 

By George! Not another sleazy hypocrite in Govt? True Crime News Weekly 21 December 2018

 

 

 

 

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