Urgent - Your KPI results are in

Hi Aussie electorate,

We have the results from your performance report. There are several areas requiring significant work on your part, so we have set out the framework of an action plan to address your shortcomings for you to endorse and implement before the upcoming election. Please confirm your compliance with this plan by COB, otherwise we will have no choice but to dispense with your services.

Best Regards.


Chief Bloviator on behalf of the LNP Coagulation


KPI Results


Your result: 2/10. Easily distracted.

Action Point: Money, money, money - it's all about the money. All other issues are related to making money for those who put in the hard work on innovative ways to exploit the environment, health, education etc for their personal profit.

Money is best left in the hands of those who are used to having it. What's with this lefty, caring-sharing nonsense? Those without won't miss what they haven't got. Please ensure that any donations you make in future are directed only to the LNP Grifters & Shysters account via Stuart Robert, head of the evangelical thieves and hypocrites committee or to Gina The Hutt Rinehart's Sheltered Workshop For Discredited & Discarded LNP Politicians.

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Your result: 3/10. You have shown too much fairness, equality and egalitarianism.

Action Point: Remediation classes are held every weekday after business hours and at your own expense - our sponsors are Westpac, CBA, NAB, ANZ, AMP, the Business Council of Australia and the Minerals Council of Australia.

A pass is required in at least 2 subjects:

  • Knowing Your Betters

  • Kowtowing to Vested Interests

  • Inherited Privilege And Why It Works

  • Exploiting Democracy For Born To Rulers

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Cash and its benefits

Your result: 1/10. Insistence on transparency and accountability.

Action Point: We all know that taxes are wasted by the lefties on non-profit making fripperies such as effective education for all, public health, clean air and water. Dodging tax is an obligation - keep the money with those who deserve it: the rich.

Cash, no cheques. Remember Gina The Hutt's $40,000 bribe, err....donation, to Barmy Barney? Crikey, didn't that blow-up in his purple face! If she'd quietly slipped him a wad then it wouldn't have been noticed.

  • Small Business People and Franchisees: Please ensure in future that wages theft is well hidden from your accounts. Staff underpayments should be strictly cash (plausible deniability).

  • Self-employed. A copy of Cooking The Books For Dummies is available from Menzies House for $19.99 or $25.00 for two. Cash only please 😉.

  • Salaried staff: You have only yourselves to blame for showing no entrepreneurial spirit by starting your own corporation, venture capital funding drive, wealth advisory scheme or religion. Kudos however to the Bank staff who've shown true Liberal spirit by devising means to steal money from customers.

  • Wages staff: You're a lost cause you lowly, lazy menials. We cast you adrift.

  • Farmers and miners: You guys are the experts - we bow to your skill and experience. Your result for this Indicator is 10/10.

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Your result: 1/10. Waaay too much outrage.

Action Point: When we voted unanimously in the Senate in favour of a Ku Klux Klan slogan it was a simple application of dog-whistling - a tried & true component of the LNP repertoire . Please, stop calling it out.

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Your result: 4/10. Too much caring and sharing.

Action Point: The primary purpose in life is to look after Number 1 - you.

Greed is good, in fact it is necessary and should be mandatory. Survival of the fittest - Charles Darwin's phrase and we all believe in Darwin. Oh.....wait.

Religious dogma trumps facts. Join a prosperity-doctrine church and join us in shouting and speaking in tongues. Get up early to get the best seats.

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Your result: 3/10. Far too much sledging of J Edgar Tuber.

Action Point: No more derision or insults are be directed at our Head Spud or his legions of dark-uniformed goons in the Gestapotato. OK, Pete's an easy target - his short-lived attempts at smiling caused fear and alarm in little children, he was played like a banjo in the leadership spill, he's a gormless, humourless automaton and autocrat. He's his own worst enemy with a very limited future so he doesn't need your ridicule, thanks.

Toe the line and do what we tell you. Remember who's in charge and remember - Pete is watching.

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Your result: 4/10. Complaining

Action Point: It is Liberal Party Holy Writ that any and all public assets are to be sold off to grifters, carpet baggers, shysters and hucksters. These people are our sponsors and benefactors. They are the Liberal Party's meal ticket.

So what if they are typically foreigners? So what that the NBN makes us an international laughing stock? So what if our sale of electricity grids has seen our energy-rich country being ripped off by foreign spivs whose outrageous profits are built on spiraling energy prices? Stop complaining. Water is next and when we work out how, we are going to privatise oxygen.

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Wentworth is a lesson - it's a lesson in what can happen when you, the electorate, don't listen.

Please ensure that you take the appropriate actions so that there is no repeat of the unfortunate outcome of 20th October.