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Egregious arseholes - The Top Ten

May 15, 2018

Is it coincidence that each nominee here is a right wing politician? Me biased? Sure, aren't we all? Labor has had its share of shifty arseholes - Eddy Obeid, Joe Tripodi, Tony Kelly, Mark Latham come readily to mind but each of these has gotten their well-deserved comeuppance. The Tories nominated here are either serving politicians or are sitting back on their tax-payer funded sinecures when many, if the world was fair would be in jail.

 

In descending order of appallingness:

 

#1. Spud

Evil incarnate. The closest we have to our very own Heinrich Himmler* this abysmal creature revels in the mistreatment of refugees, exploiting their misfortune purely for his own political purposes. Observing Peter Dutton's behaviour should leave little doubt that behind those cold, dead eyes there lurks the soul of a psychopath.

 

A deadpan, secretive authoritarian of monumental proportions, Il Douche has exploited the vulnerability of our spineless Prime Minister to engineer for himself an empire of dark-uniformed goons, spooks and bellicose door-breakers.

 

One could accuse Spud of using those favoured LNP tactics of the dog whistle and the political wedge except that he has neither the subtlety nor the intellect to pull it off. Unbelievably this creep deludes himself that he is PM material and is maneuvering himself for the top job and, more unbelievably, the RWNJs of his party think the same. When you think, after Howard and Abbott, that the LNP could sink no lower they continue to surprise.

 

*Godwin's Law does not apply whenever the subject is the obscenity that is Dutton.

 

#2. The Wrecker

His Feculence, Tony Clownshoes Abbott was gifted the PM's job thanks to the internecine stupidity of the then Labor government and the spiteful mendacity of Kevin Rudd.  The fact that the Libs thought that Abbott was their best candidate for party leader says a lot about their lack of talent and their ideological power-at-all-costs embrace of Abbott's negativity and destructiveness.

 

This inarticulate, stammering bully and coward substituted sabotage, dysfunction and antagonism for the vision, imagination and ideas that he so demonstrably lacks. Abbott's political style is akin to lighting farts in a fireworks factory. 

 

A weirdo, a homophobe and misogynist, there is something sad and pathetic about Abbott these days. Desperate for relevance and recognition he'll play to any nutter fringe audience. Delusional about his own stupendous failure he seeks validation from the loony-right ratbags in the media. Determined to bring down his nemesis Turnbull he's enthusiastically undermining his own party. He has no self-awareness and a tin-ear. A serial failure, indoctrinated in middle-ages dogma as a friendless child, he casts a short shadow and will be recorded in our political history as a laughing stock.

 

If Parliament House had a belfry Abbott would have a suitable habitat, as it is he should confine himself to a Manly street corner with a sandwich board and a loud-hailer shouting at the less well off and pointing at brown people.

 

#3. The Lying Rodent

A master of the dog whistle, the political wedge and divide-and-conquer. An icon of the born-to-rulers, John Winston Howard was Australia's worst Treasurer and as PM manipulated a lurch to the hard right in politics by disenfranchising the moderate voices within his party. 

 

Howard lives in a 1950s bubble. His appeal is to the legions of sour, selfish tree-poisoners, old school tie born-to-rulers, royalists and lavendar-scented social climbers forever fearful that others may threaten their rightful station at the head of the queue. Their disease was spread by the Lying Rodent to the aspirationals - the deluded wanna-be tribes of self-employed tradies, suburban accountants and café owners whose only real value to the wealthy establishment is as a reliable source of Liberal votes.

 

‘Imagine a very committed funeral home director someone whose burning ambition from the age of 11 was to be a funeral home director. Then halve his personality and halve it again, and you have pretty well got John Howard.’  Bill Bryson, Down Under

 

 

#4. Scummy

A tambourine shaking ballot stuffer, Scummy hides from reasoned debate behind high volume ranting. This Jesus-shopper practices his speaking in tongues to shout over the top of any debate.

 

Shouty McShoutyface likely believes the rapture will save his lard arse from the consequences of his tenuous grasp of economics and his embrace of Randesque ideology.

 

#5. Trembles

If only his belief in his own magnificence was translated to real life. The smartest man in the room is demonstrably inept as a politician, totally out of his depth, offering only meaningless waffle in defense of his selling out all of his principles in the pursuit of self-aggrandisement.

 

Milquetoast Malcolm's great crime is his surrender of his ethics and standards to the dictates of the swivel-eyed crazies of his party.

 

 

#6. Barnyard

A standout humbug amongst  championship level humbugs Barnyard Juice  masquerades as an affable man of the land, hiding his incompetence, characteristic confusion and oblique practices behind a ludicrous affectation of veranda-brimmed Akubra that remains untroubled by the sweat of any actual labour.

 

The puce-headed prick has never seen a tree that shouldn't be felled, he's never viewed a landscape that shouldn't be quarried, he's never hiked a field that shouldn't be fracked, he's never paddled a stream that shouldn't be dammed, he's never seen a seascape that shouldn't be drilled for oil. He's a carpet bagging huckster.

 

 

#7. Chopper  

With her trademark grimacing, lipsticked rictus splitting her Spakfilla features she always looked like she was a few days late for her own funeral. Bronnie's pretention and sense of entitlement made her a figure of derision while her blatant bias as Speaker made her a figure of disgust.

 

 

#8. The Ginger Whinger

Fringe-dwelling, inarticulate, muddled, inconsistent, uninformed, belligerently ignorant and accompanied by some real nutters from the tin-foil hat brigade with enough members to be dangerous. 

 

#9. Otto

Rabid acolyte of The Wrecker - a fandom bordering on the homo-erotic. Otto's greatest claim to fame, apart from his being unencumbered by personality or abilities outside of self-interest is his great uncle Otto Abetz, the nazi ambassador to Vichy France and a convicted war criminal.

 

Along with Abbott and Andrews a paid-up member of the triple A.hole troika of the anti-environmental misnamed Monash Forum, rabidly pursuing an agenda to nationalise a decaying power station in stark contrast to the foundational doctrine of their own party. Hypocrisy is strong in this one, with a distinct irony deficiency.

 

Familial leanings have helped Otto become a big wheel in the small machinery of Tassie politics. Like great uncle Otto, he's mostly a spent force.

 

 

#10. The Rinse Of Darkness

An uncanny likeness to a reanimated corpse with persona to match and a total lack of any abilities is not a barrier to ministerial office for those like Kevin Andrews who are true believers in rabid right-wing ideology.

 

This whey-faced abuser of hair dye has had his reanimation fade along with his hair and he's returning to his rightful position as full time political corpse.

 

 

Overview

This is the creep the Libs nominated as their party leader, subsequently dumped only because the public was so appalled.  And now, many in their party and their barrackers tout this as their hero and a role model for their future behaviour. This disaster was once our Prime Minister.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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